Frivolous Lovers
by Abelle
Summary: A deeper look into someone's mind when bearing the brunt of a betrayal - nothing that would hurt the plot itself, just an author's views on their relationship and how it would happen. (yaoi)
1. Author's Notes

****

**WARNINGS:**

Although this story is rated PG-13, it may contain some disturbing situations which, most assuredly, will be warned beforehand. Poignant and sexual relations between people of the same gender, violence, foul language and a severe lack of 'fluff' are all incorporated into the story, and if you couldn't/can't bring yourself to even stomach the mere thought of boys doing incomprehensible things to each other, then this is not the place for you. As I mentioned above, there will be a warning notice before proceeding through any occasional sexual contents of a chapter, so you don't have to worry.

There'll also be PG-13 versions of explicit chapters that makes you uncomfortable, so you wouldn't miss out any significant measures.

You will also be warned of any foul language, although it may occur in very few situations.

**DISCLAIMER:**

Fan fictions are works that are subsequent from original works. No profits are gained from these types of stories, they are considered as fan works and a form of entertainment. That out of the way, I would like to acknowledge that characters mentioned in the story do not – and will not – ever belong to me, and I claim no rights to them, seeing that Kazuya Minekura owns these fine characters. The one thing I do claim exclusive rights to is the story itself. Please refrain from twisting, revise or alter it for some reason. This is my first story I've ever worked on. sobs If you ever do an MST on the story, I wanna read it!

A R-Rated version of this story could be found at some place which wouldn't let me post for some reason but this place begins with M though it's more of an author's whims than anything that could impact the plot.


	2. Chapter One

**Frivolous Lovers**

_Gensoumaden__ Saiyuki_

Chapter One

The continuous shouting could definitely be heard below, much to the embarrassment of Hakkai and the indifference only Sha Gojyo could manage. Then again, nothing could stir the redhead's attention away from the striking barmaid he had his arm around as the man flirted to his heart's content.

_"Like what the hell do you want me to say? That I should bow down and kiss your fucking feet or something?! Is that it?!"_

_"I didn't say that! All I want is some response from you each time I say I love you! Is that so hard for you to manage?!_

_"Shut the hell up!"_

_"You shut up!"_

Below, Hakkai managed to stifle his embarrassment, sinking down his seat. Even though there was possibly no way for anyone to connect him to his companions upstairs, who had successfully stole the limelight and earned themselves quite a reputation. Although it was somewhat tolerable if one came out announcing their preferences of the same gender, they definitely won't be accepted.

Hakkai was getting a bit anxious. The fight seemed worse than any of his friends had had before...

There were muffled sounds of objects being thumped into the wall – and much to Hakkai's start – followed by glass shattering. The terrible noise drew much attention to the stairs of the small building – just when they were minding their own business –the innkeeper was darting curious glances between Hakkai, Gojyo and the stairs, most probably wondering if she should give them the boot for making such a scene. Hakkai couldn't blame her – his friends were making a lot of racket.

At the far end of the upstairs hallway, the door quickly flew open with a loud bang. A harsh breathing young teen rushed out, paused and whirled around, took a deep breath and yelled at the top of his lungs," _I totally hate you!"_

His eyes brimmed with enraged tears – much to his annoyance - hurriedly he brushed them away from his eyes before swaggering straight back to his own hotel room and totally ignoring Genjo Sanzo's equally loud comeback.

_Obviously making Sanzo spit out the words is like asking for the moon. _

He stomped his foot angrily on the ground – just so he could release this pent up frustration - as he stormed straight into the room next door, throwing the door open and slamming it as hard as he could. For a split second, he was contented in releasing his anger by kicking the wood of the door which, allowed itself to be a punching bag for the moment.

Damn, this just wasn't working.

Goku laid both hands on the smooth wood of the door and rested his forehead against it, for a moment, drained from the emotional energy. Oh darn, here it comes... His shoulders shook with suppressed sobs, before the water dam broke and the tears finally came out. It was always like this, whenever he and Sanzo got into some ridiculous fight over every little thing, and he was left with this despicably heavy feeling on his shoulders that weighed a ton of bricks, and he _hated _that feeling, for it made him feel weak.

Son Goku was anything but weak.

"Just what is _wrong_ with you, anyway?" Goku mumbled under his breath, his hands clenching into tight fists. His knees shook, and he slid down to the floor where he lay sprawled with his back against it. He brought his knees to his chest where he wrapped his arms around it, head resting on them as he sunk deep into his gloom. Misery loves company – so where were his friends when they were needed?

Another night, where it began quite harmoniously - and ended quite disastrous.

It was everyday, _everyday_ when he declared his undying devotion – quite vehemently, he had to admit - to his master, only to be distracted when he was thrown in bed and ravaged. He didn't mind it, at first, but lately, Sanzo had become more distant and aloof towards him than ever. It was a week ago when Goku earned himself a bloody nose when he tried to put his arms around Sanzo.

In public, Goku would have understood – as Sanzo was too keen on the idea of public affections - but in front of their two friends _who already knew their secret?_ Something was obviously wrong here. Goku wasn't _that_ much of a dim-wit _not_ to realize that.

_Where's Hakkai? Ero-kappa? Hakuryu? _Goku stared around dazedly at the empty room, his tired eyes now registering the absence of his fellow friends. _Oh yeah, they're down there. _Which meant... they must have heard every word.

Just great. Now they would never let him live it down.

With great effort, Goku pushed himself up the floor and held on to the door for support when his vision faltered slightly.

"Pathetic," Goku mocked himself, dragging his feet and body to the queen-sized bed where he flopped down, and stared impassively at the closed door.

"Sanzo, I love you so much," he said aloud to himself, and absently reached for a pillow. "You see why I'm mumbling to myself like an idiot? Yeah, because I love you."

"Yeah, so much." He hugged the pillow to his chest and fell down onto the soft bed with a muffled sigh.

"So why won't you tell me how you feel about me?" He closed his eyes.

"You didn't push me away before. What's wrong?"

* * *

_He dreamt an enigmatic dream. A great set of doors gleamed silver gilt in the nightfall, standing as grand and still as a sky that governed the lands as the Goddess of Mercy upon her throne. It towered above everything else and majestically rose up to the dark night. Trees rustled in response to the sudden gust of wind. Lilac petals fluttered around behind the refuge of trees before settling down on the ground gently, some were crushed under the heel of a passerby, strolling quietly along the path. The night provided little warmth._

_There was only darkness, and more... darkness. Brushing away the thick branches that obscured the view, the forest gave way to an open path, leading to the magnificent doors. Light contrasted against the darkness of where he stood now, enveloping the door, flickering and hinting of diminution – the light that shone with foreign brilliance._

_When he walked, the wind chimed along with him, whispering to his ears their secrets. He paid no attention to them for his eyes were focused on the door, and only the door. Flora and wildlife sprang alive instantly when stepped on and the winds became deafening howls._

_When he reached the door, glimmering with overwhelming brilliance..._

_... He found it locked._

_He pushed against the door with all his strength, and pounded it with his fists when it wouldn't budge. Let me out , he said as his heart began to pound uncontrollably, I don't want to be stuck here forever. _

_It mercilessly chose to remain silent, and he sought a way around the door. It was only a door that was the only obstacle, he thought. He peered around and found that behind the door was the exact same scenery as the one his back was facing right now._

_Then he looked close, and saw that the wildlife that had sprouted so vibrantly before, now lay in a pile of nothing more than dead remains on the ground. Small petals tumbled to the ground, butterflies swarmed around; some were caught in the sticky – sinister – liquid that was glued onto the branches of the tree. The beautiful shade of lilac tainted by the repulsive red seeping into it. Dark blood splattered against the tree, almost reveling in the dark that he had fought so hard to get out of. The blood continued etching its way down the tree, dripping on the trunk and staining the lawn with its malice. He tore his eyes away from the scene and turned around._

_Only to find the same thing happening._

_He was terrified._

_ I don't want to be stuck here forever. _

_It was then that he saw himself leaning against the bloody tree – hugging the sanguine covered bark – weeping a river of tears from the far distance._

_It was then that he knew he would always be alone, forever._

Goku's eyes sharply snapped open, as he shot upright from the bed and shuddered. He desperately fought to refocus his vision in the darkness, the awful scene now fading from his head. Sweat mingled with tears and he brushed them away.

That was _some_ dream. Creepy.

He didn't get dreams like that! Someone must've fooled around with his head – he would place a ten on Goddess Kanzeon here.

"A dream...? ...A... dream," he laughed and wrapped his arms around his body to cease his quivering. The nightmare, it had felt _so _real. The boy peered around his surroundings, taking in the view of the darkened sky through the shut windows and the dimly lit lamp that hung on the wall at the far end of the room. It cast a comfortable light of orange around the room. Goku yawned. "But I never get dreams. So what does that mean? ... Maybe I'm just hungry."

"Oh geez, must have fallen asleep. Wonder why they didn't wake me up."

He swung his legs over to the floor and bumped against something. It was Hakkai, snuggling comfortably under the covers of his thick mattress and snoring softly with Hakuryu beside him. Goku grinned, because he, for once, had taken the bed without dealing with the problem of fighting over it with...

_Hakkai__?_

Wait a minute - wasn't _Sanzo_supposed to be his roommate?

At the sudden thought of his lover, the painful recollection of their fight brought a wave of butterflies swarming in his stomach, his face falling as he recalled the harsh words they had exchanged with each other. A lump grew in his throat and Goku sat back down.

"No, no, I don't _want _to remember." H fell face down and covered a pillow under his head. His heart thumped painfully when he saw Sanzo's face contorted with rage. Rage directed solely at him.

"I shouldn't have lost it. Shouldn't have yelled at him, shouldn't have demanded from him. He hates that." Goku winced. "... My fault. Sorry." The words were uttered out simply due to the spur of the moment, where he was caught up in the rage. No matter how much Sanzo annoyed him, it would take _slightly_ more than that for Goku to blow a fuse. It was up to him to right this wrong; it was painfully obvious that Sanzo won't be the one to take the first step in making up. But Goku didn't stir from his position.

_'No, I'm too nervous.'_ He ignored the continuous rumbling of his empty stomach, for once patting it for consolation. _What if Gojyo's there to see Sanzo yelling at me? He'll never let me live it down. I'll make it up to him in the morning. Then, after Sanzo's done screaming at me, we'll continue on._

And for the next half hour, Goku twisted and turned, trying to _will_ himself to sleep. But his head swarmed with images of Sanzo's features being contorted in the harsh way that held the responsibility of keeping Goku up this late - that he had managed to make Sanzo lose his cool, Sanzo's harsh words, and finally, the blow of Goku's last words.

_ I totally hate you. _

With a guilty gulp, Goku gave up trying to sleep and threw his covers away, scrambled out of bed, being careful not to trip over Hakkai in the process. No, he should be making up with Sanzo right now, he _so_ didn't mean the terrible words that flew out of his mouth!

_I could never hate you_. 

The words were never spoken truer, striking a pang in his heart as his feet began automatically walking out the door. Sanzo was his keeper, his friend, his lover, his _teacher... _Sanzo had rescued him from the awful darkness and shawn him the path of light; nothing could change the fact that Goku was indebted to him forever, bound to him by the chains of fate. Sanzo was, in truth, the only thing that he had in his life. Caught up entirely in the mood for self-pity, Goku even sniffed a little for effect, and liking the outcome, he sniffed louder. He stopped in front of the door, feeling the butterflies in his stomach again as he trailed out and shut the door behind him, wincing when it had closed louder than he had intended.

"I will do this, or no more food for me until I actually get over this whole thing."

Goku snorted to himself, knowing full well how ridiculous his words were. Not a day had passed when he didn't stuff his mouth with food. Thinking about food made Goku's stomach protest louder, and the boy made a note to head down for some refreshments (the refrigerator?) after his little problem was sorted out. "Strange that he has that effect on me." He shook his head. "Food always comes first."

He focused back on walking towards Gojyo's door, intending to knock gently because of Sanzo's extremely sharp hearing, all due to the fact that he didn't want to wake a _certain _someone who had the ability to shoot Goku's ear off.

"I came here, to apologize," Goku's voice trailed off, and he shook his head, trying again. Apologizing to a narrow-minded man for something _he_ had actually done, was something Goku wasn't too familiar with. "Sanzo, I'm really sorry... argh, Sanzo, I never meant what I said...!" Goku exhaled in exasperation.

"So what'd I say... what'd I say..." Goku's fingers reached for the doorknob. "Maybe I should have done this tomorrow...?"

No, he shouldn't... and yet, Sanzo would have a fine time exploding his temper on Goku if he was ever stirred up... the man _was_ known for his absurdity to wake up at noon... All right then. Morning, it was. Though Goku couldn't see how he could manage to survive till morning without any sleep.

Just then, his ears picked up the sounds of a faint noise, just coming from Gojyo's room. It wasn't loud exactly – and it was so very soft, but it was _there._ Goku stopped in his tracks and stared in puzzlement. What was going on? Was Sanzo having a nightmare? Gojyo? Were they in trouble? Shooting each other's brains out?

Unable to help himself, Goku leaned forward and pressed his ear against the door, holding his breath and wondering if they were actually playing a game. If they did... Goku wouldn't be the only one throwing a tantrum for not being included! Well, they _did _purchase this game earlier – what was its name? Snakes and Ladders?

Another faint sound drifted to his ears, this time, much louder. A moan. For a full minute, Goku was stumped, eyes wide.

What the hell was that?

_ Huh? _

Goku pressed harder against the door, but not that severe that he would somehow intrude his way in. They weren't playing a game... they weren't having nightmares... maybe wet dreams? Gojyo was _definitely_ capable of doing that – Goku knew that from past experiences, and Goku couldn't see Sanzo moaning his lungs out, much less writhing around.

So...

What was going on?

_Should I go in?_

And there it was again, the soft – much louder – noise that hammered itself into Goku's head. Goku's eyes were wide with confusion, not knowing what to make of it.

_ No, don't tell me. _

Goku's chest tightened with dread. _Please no! This was Gojyo and Sanzo we're talking about. It can't be true!_

Goku stepped back, each step drawing him further and further from the room. He stared at the door disbelief. bef Gently, he retraced his steps and placed his hands on the doorknob and turned, his heart pounding wildly and the sound of blood rushed to his ears. The door creaked slightly as Goku opened it - just a little, enough to peek in. Bracing himself for what his eyes were about to see, he hoped against hope that what he was thinking turned out to be nothing more than his imagination.

_ Please no... no way... _

Even though the room was overwhelmed in darkness, Goku could clearly make out the movements of two people struggling with each other. _They're... fighting? Heck, I'm over-reacting because of a fight? _The redhead must have pissed Sanzo off, for whatever it was that he did. Stupidly, Goku started to smile for even thinking of _such _a thing, and with a flaming face, he quickly backed out of the door before they saw him...

Wait.

They were fighting each other.

In _bed?_

_ No. _

Goku stared in shock as he watched his lover on top of his friend, their limbs tangled together under their creaking bed, running their hands over each other and kissing with a fierceness that shook Goku. This was the ultimate act of betrayal that had instantly, and successfully, shattered Goku's life into a million pieces.

_ No... no way... _

He watched with dull eyes, the pain so unbelievably unbearable that it spread like wildfire throughout his body and quickly numbed, growing hot and cold at the same time. He was forced to watch through disbelieving eyes, their flames now smothered by grief, forced to watch Gojyo's face twist in pleasure and hear the low moans that came from both of them. His body froze, and the screams grew continuous inside Goku's head, not once did his face and body betray the aching, stingingpain he felt for his expression adopted blankness.

_ They want to hurt you, Goku. To tear you apart to shreds. Feel the pain that they caused you, and get used to it. _

_ So you may never allow yourself to be hurt like this again. _

Without even thinking - without even _knowing - _what he was doing, Goku placed his hand on the door and deliberately banged it hard against the wall, the loud noise startled both of them into immobility. The light from outside the door partially flooded the room, enough to see Sanzo and Gojyo's face freeze. His limp hand fell from the doorknob, and he just stood there, not breathing, his dull eyes now reflected the eyes of a motionless doll.

_ Motionless doll... _

_ Run away. Run away before they could laugh at you. _

"Go_ku__!"_The name rolled off Gojyo's lips as he pushed his body away from Sanzo's, as if he was hot coals, and began to gather his discarded clothing hurriedly. "Shit, it's not..." Gojyo started to plead in desperation, but Goku's head instinctively blocked out the useless words.

_ What the hell are you standing there like an idiot for? Run away!!! _

"Goku..." Sanzo could do nothing but murmur? The voice had cracked just the _slightest_ bit when he spoke, but Goku was unable to hear anything except that the sound of Sanzo's voice, which enabled him to finally feel the numbing pain. He never imagined the pain could actually hurt his _insides._ He raised eyes that lost their gold, to Sanzo, who had started to say something.

_ Move. Move! Before he hurts you again. Run away, before he would have a chance to destroy what's left of you. Goku, move. _

Goku's mouth parted slightly for air, before he whirled around and ran with animal-like speed, aided by his desperation to separate the distance between them. Running down the stairs, he nearly tripped over his own two feet. Clumsily he steadied himself and rushed passed the innkeeper, who was startled awake by the thundering of Goku's footsteps.

"Hey, it's two in the morning..." He barely heard the words.

He heard rushed footsteps stampeding down the stairs after him. His eyes finally overflowed with tears, for the second time that night, as he desperately pulled the handle of the door and pushed it open with the force of his shoulder and stumbled out into the cool air brushed against his tear-stained face.

"No... _GET AWAY!!!"_

* * *

"Goku...!"

He knew whom that voice belonged to, but he would rather die than facing the man who had taken his friendship and destroyed it so... mercilessly. A choke escaped his throat, before he clamped a hand over his mouth, shutting his eyes in agony, as he tried to at least dull out the pain. He wanted desperately to stop crying – but he had kept his eyes averted from him – and the feeling of putting some distance between himself and his friends was overwhelming.

His keeper didn't even chase after him.

He started running, running away to anywhere but back to the hotel. His legs picked up speed, the muscles cramping from the effort but Goku pushed himself to the limit...

...and ran straight back to the inviting darkness, for he knew he would never be able to see the light Sanzo had shown him ever again.

His vision actually blurred, and he nearly ran into a lamppost before he steadied himself and sprinted left, right, _everywhere_. He collided with people laughing and talking among themselves gaily. He muttered apologies under his breath before darting straight ahead. Now he couldn't think, with only one thing in his mind that needed to be done above anything else, and that was to run away from everything. Behind him, Gojyo pursued him with equivalent speed.

"...Wait."

Even with the loud noise in the busy streets, Goku could _still_ manage to hear his voice. Goku pushed his body forwards and frantically ran, his thighs beginning to strain and cramp from the effort. He bumped into a woman and caused her to drop her packages but he made no move to help her; a stream of apologies instead flew of his mouth.

His legs were on fire.

Just then, a narrow bridge came into view, one that was connected with the western part of town, and directly below it, was a trail that led to the slums. With a final burst, Goku _threw _his body over, and felt a wave of panic when his body fell at a much higher level than he had anticipated. He broke his fall using his Nyoi staff, pushing the tip to the ground and flopped his feet safely on the ground. Gojyo stopped in the middle of the bridge, looking wary, for he obviously wasn't quite as suicidal as to hurl his body over the bridge and risk breaking his neck.

"I said wait."

Goku began to walk away as calmly as he could without trying not to limp from the excruciating pain the muscles in his legs bore. He stopped in his tracks impulsively when he heard Gojyo's voice call out to him again, the hateful man. He closed his eyes, teeth clenching as a tear made its way down his cheek. He angrily brushed it away, cursing his vulnerability more than anything.

He walked away, ignoring Gojyo's frantic calls.

His knees finally gave way when he stopped at a considerable distance away, shaking. He collapsed and slipped in between the walls and hid behind a dark area behind the buildings. The place reeked of animal remains and trash, but at that moment, the boy held no concerns over anything except to wedge himself securely out of sight. His shoulders heaved and shook breathlessly, before he hugged his body tightly and made no move to stop the endless flow of tears streaming down his cheeks like a river, mingling with the dirt and sweat on his face. His eyes flew open - through his tears, he could see the moon shining ever so brightly in the sky - laughing down at him and cursing him for the idiotic fool that he was.

He made an attempt to speak aloud, his lips quivered when no sound came out. The waves of pain were just as fresh as ever, nearly agonizing, to the point of screaming in his head. Hopelessly, he closed his eyes and cried, for his heart, his life, everything he had, which had vanished in just one second.

_ I owed my life to you, and I still do. But what can I do now? The person who succeeded in destroying me, I never expected that person to be **you. **_

****_So... someone... anyone... _

_ Just tell me... that this is a** nightmare. **_

* * *

Goku's eyes fluttered open, his ears picking up the sound of rain pouring outside T dawn of the morning that caused him to stir awake. He blinked away the dreamy haze in his eyes and focused on the startling familiarity of the small meek room he was in right now. He pushed himself up from the squeaking bed. Pain streaked up his back and he cringed, rubbing it before cracking his knuckles and slowly sat upright.

His clothes were folded neatly on a desk at the left corner of the room next to a small window; the room was stuffy, with the recognizable ragged curtains that were draped shut tightly, the yellowing edges of the wallpapers coming off due to time. Goku's first thought was...

_Isn't this the **inn**?! _

A tray had been set on a small oval table next to the bed, its high stack of pancakes and a huge carton of apple juice instantly driving all thoughts from Goku's mind as he dove right in and wolfed down the food. For a full five minutes he concentrated on stuffing his mouth, dimly aware of a voice that was tugging in the back of his head - wasn't he forgetting something important? His chewing slowed down slightly, before he mentally shrugged it off and resumed eating. What could **possibly** be more important than what he was eating right now, he thought as he gobbled down the contents.

Gingerly, he rose out of bed, wrapping the thin sheet of a blanket around him tightly before walking over to where his clothes were. He grabbed hold of them and held it; the dirty stains and the tarnished marks they bore momentarily confused him.

"How did..." Goku's voice trailed off as he stared at his filthy shirt, the dry mud stain triggering a small part of his memory. Was there something... he had forgotten? He fingered the fabric uneasily, staring closely at it until he finally noticed the small tear on his pants.

The tear that he had made while scraping his knee trying to _run away from **the both of them.**_

Like a tidal wave, thousands of images began to swarm dizzily inside Goku's fogged brain, painful recollections of an unwanted memory shot right through Goku. The force with which it had hit him caused him to stumble back with a sharp intake of breath, his heart pounded wildly inside him. The color drained from Goku's face, clamping a hand over his mouth quickly to push down the large amount of food that was forcibly coming right back up.

"No, no, no, no, _no!" _Goku cried, not wanting to believe this was happening. "I can't be back **here! **Sanzo's here... _Gojyo's_ here..." He sank down to his knees and slammed his fists on the cold wooden floor, the agonizing pain pierced every inch of his insides, the ache that he had quickly become familiar to. "I can't be here..." Goku's eyes gleamed in horror.

"I..."

No, he was beyond something as trivial as crying pools of tears for a person who won't _ever_ return his feelings. How mortifying it was, to finally get it through his head the moment he saw his keeper delighting himself with his redheaded friend.

And yet, remembering how he first came to meet that person, bringing with him the first glimmers of pure light that was utterly foreign to Goku's golden eyes, who was used to seeing the shadows in the dark...

"It hurts," Goku closed his eyes and placed a hand across his chest, where his heart was, his lips quivering as his eyes brimmed over with fresh tears. He made no move to wipe them as they slowly trickled down his cheeks. This sorrow, blended with anger, was so utterly foreign to him... "_It hurts..."_

A soft knock on the door managed to break through Goku's chaotic thoughts. He just sat there, clutching his chest as he stared at the door vacantly until it began to sink in. Goku's eyes widened in horror, scrambling up from the floor, he backed away slowly until his back hit the wall behind him, his stomach tightening into painful knots. _No, must get away from here. Oh, God, please let me out of here! _He darted a terrified glance towards the window and instantly made a mad dash towards it, trying desperately to open it. But it was no use; the locks were tightly jammed shut. Some conspiracy was planned to keep him miserable.

_Please let me out of here, I'll do anything, anything if you'll just let me go!_

With a petrified look, he could only watch through grief-filled eyes as the doorknob turned and the door gently opened. The slight creak of the door even made Goku's face pale, trying as much as he could to bring his back against the wall, not moving even a single inch.

A head popped in, taking in Goku's almost feverish face with a concerned look. "Goku...?"

It was Hakkai.

* * *

The relief was overwhelming, up to the point where Goku's back slid slowly down the wall and onto the floor, not entirely certain of whether he should laugh or burst into tears. He chose neither; instead decided to remain silent and lowered his eyes to the floor.

Hakkai closed the door behind him and leaned against it, and for the first time in maybe ages, he hadn't the slightest idea on the words that would actually spark a conversation between them. Looking around the room, taking in the empty tray and out the window where the rain had continuously poured throughout the entire morning, Hakkai fidgeted uncharacteristically before opening his mouth.

He was unable to say the words that sprung to his head.

Just then, a whisper so faint and soft drifted to Hakkai's ears, he looked at Goku's sprawled form, thinking he must have imagined it until he heard it again.

"... How did I get here?"

Hakkai felt the first tremors of shock tingle up his spine as Goku finally looked up and met his stare, finally baring his blank, and swollen eyes. Hakkai was struck speechless, as he continued to gape at his friend, whose top principle in life was to fulfill his appetite, a person who seemed as though nothing could go wrong. And yet, this frightening display of emotion, or lack of, the pathetic form that was lying limp on the ground...

...what in the world had happened last night?

Hakkai readily composed himself before replying. "Goku... last night..." He walked over to the window and looked out, wondering what he was supposed to say next. "We searched for you, and I found you sleeping behind a building... thanks to Hakuryuu. What were you thinking when you're out there?"

There was no response at all.

He tried again, finding the silence rather unnerving. "When you didn't come back, we went off in search for you before I found you and carried you here." He finally turned to look at Goku, his features becoming slightly firm. "Goku, what happened?"

Goku looked away. To look into Hakkai's eyes - where they could see through the windows to your soul - was the last thing Goku wanted to do. "Sanzo and... Gojyo," Goku cursed himself for that little tremble in his voice. "Where are they, Hakkai? Where?" He slowly dragged himself up, supporting his body with a hand pressed against the wall, before he suddenly froze. "They're not here, are they?" he snapped, wide-eyed.

"No," Hakkai answered evenly. What was going on? "They went out early this morning for cigarettes and drinks."

"Cigarettes... right..." Goku laughed shakily, running a hand across his face. His shoulders shook violently, and Hakkai took a step forward and reached out a hand as if intending to touch Goku. He quickly withdrew it, knowing that that particular move was not wise, given Goku's strange condition right now.

"They probably went out to..." Goku's trembling became more violent.

It was entirely puzzling, at the same time, frustrating, when Hakkai didn't know the source of Goku's problem that had turned him like this. To be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, only to be ordered to locate Goku's whereabouts without question, and now this.

_Calm down, _Hakkai's mind told him silently. _Take the slowest approach to the problem. _To think of the most complicated dilemma as a difficult puzzle box, analyzing it slowly before unwinding it correctly was one of the most effective ways for the solution to the problem. Hakkai glanced warily at Goku, who just stared blankly ahead.

"They were pretty worried," Goku heard Hakkai's soothing tone. "Why did you run away last night? Was there some trouble?" A violent shudder tore through Goku's body and he fought for control. It was the hardest thing Goku had ever done, but he managed to prevent his tears from slipping down his crimson cheeks. Goku half-backed away from Hakkai, a good six feet away, wrapping his arms around himself as if to shield his friend away.

_ Stop it, Hakkai. _

"Goku, if you would tell me what happened last night, maybe I can help you." Hakkai brought out his hands as if to emphasize his point. What was _wrong_ with him? "You're not alone. Whatever had happened, we're all here for you."

_ We're... all here...? **We're...** I don't think so. That's funny. _

"...Goku." He heard the hint of exasperation in Hakkai's tone. Not that it mattered, anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything, _everything _had disappeared from his grasp. "Please tell me what happened."

Goku could only stare at Hakkai as if he were some kind of unknown species.

_ You always did have this annoying habit of asking questions, Hakkai. _

The windows rattled from the strong gust of wind outside, and he looked out, holding out his hands slightly as if welcoming the sight of stormy clouds that are gathered in the dark sky. It rained endlessly, equal to the amount of tears that were now streaming down his cheeks. _I'm crying again. God help me, I'm sobbing my eyes out **again.** _

"Goku, what happened between you three?"

It was as if he had uttered the words that broke through what was left of Son Goku's control. The voices in Goku's head became screams, and he heard someone yelling, only to realize a moment later that it was _himself _who was doing it, causing Hakkai's eyes to grow round in shock. Like a dam bursting through, Goku's body violently racked with restrained anger, and he released everything he had held within him. The numbing pain that Goku had experienced like no other, the tears that were caused by one... single...

"Behind my back... _behind my back..." _Fresh tears sprung to Goku's eyes. "_THEY WERE SCREWING EACH OTHER!!!! How COULD you say that they're always there for me... _when they're the ones..."

Hakkai could only stare in penetrating astonishment, unable to believe what he was hearing. _Oh, Goku... How could they...? _

"But I'm alone now." Goku shook his head and smiled humorlessly through his tears. The words – they rang a bell. He wiped them away, still grasping the sheet of blanket around his nude body. "Always and always will be alone now, Hakkai. Sanzo left me. Now look at me. I'm so pathetic... so, _so _pathetic.

_Pathetic._

Hakkai leaned forward, unsure of what to do or even what to say. Who was this person sniveling before him? Was this really Goku? Son Goku, who was the most easy-going of the four? Reduced to this mess that Sanzo had caused? "Goku..." Hakkai shakily drew in a deep breath, running a hand along his dark hair. For the first time, he felt completely helpless. "You're not alone. You're never alone."

"I'd like to think so." Goku buried his face in his hands. "I'd really like to think so. But I can't. Because, I love Sanzo. But he doesn't love me. So I would just have to accept it... that Sanzo loves Gojyo... Sink it in, Hakkai. I can't believe the ero-kappa had it in him. Way to go. He won. I didn't even know he's hot for Sanzo."

"But it hurts. It hurts to be alone." Goku crumpled. "I can't travel with him anymore. Or Gojyo. What should I do, Hakkai?" He turned towards the silent Hakkai. "I-I can't stand being like this! Just _look at me!"_

Goku was interrupted by a shrill knock on the door. "Hakkai, are you in there?"

Both Goku and Hakkai froze. Slowly both their heads turned towards the direction of the door. "Uh, yeah, just a minute, Gojyo," Hakkai laughed nervously.

"Sanzo... he... he went to Czechuan Park. Says he wants the saru there. Pass along the message, will ya?"

"All right."

"You're a pal." And the footsteps went away.

When Hakkai turned his attention back to Goku, the boy's face was an unnatural ashen.

"You don't have to go if you want to," Hakkai started to say gently, but was interrupted.

"I'll go."

"You sure-"

"What have I got to lose, Hakkai? I've already lost everything... remember?"

What Hakkai said next flew directly over Goku's ears, the boy lost in the swirls of his own thoughts.


	3. Chapter Two

**Frivolous Lovers**

_Gensoumaden__ Saiyuki_

Chapter Two

On the thirty-first of December in the New Year's Eve, various fireworks exploded in the sky, enveloping the entire city with brilliant colors. Vast crowds had gathered on the streets to watch the ongoing parade, dancers and such performing on the floats as they passed. The festival was at its climax, as citizens conversed, devoured the local food offered and took part in the incessant street dance. More and more people joined in as the clock finally struck twelve, and a huge jovial cheer rose out from the city, celebrating the New Year.

Except one.

There was nothing even remotely remarkable about him, leaning against the lamppost with an air of indifference that belied the energetic – crackling – atmosphere that struck Czechuan Town and its people. Not wanting to risk a damper on their heightening spirits, they simultaneously ignored the adolescent, and he, the same.

"Lose the long face, young'un," someone snorted beside him. He turned, and saw an old woman peering curiously at his face. Her breath smelled suspiciously of wine, and it made his head swirl slightly. "It's kinda like... you're raining on everyone's parade!"

"...okay." He looked back down his feet.

"'Tis a time for enjoying and drinking the spirits," she continued, poking her wooden stick at his knee sharply. "A ripe age, you are, to make the ladies swoon over you, especially those eyes of yours – a mighty fine color of flaxen, if you ask me."

His mouth twitched. "They're golden."

"Golden, schmolden," the woman crackled. "The point is to have fun. _Here._ Tonight. Dump your troubles over your shoulder and let loose for once. Take China Blue Street." She gestured around her. "Here, you ain't going to find any poor souls sobbing their eyes out – here, they simply have _fun_. You visit any good places around here, boy? Czechuan's full a breathtaking place and it's a shame if you miss them. Like... ah, I know, the pond around that restaurant just at the edge of town? It's said that if you bring your lover there..." she was saying.

He shook his head. "I've been to Czechuan Park."

Oh yes, he did go to the park. He even went there just this afternoon.

"Ah, Czechuan Park. Too quiet for my taste, but for some reason, my son always likes to go there. It's famous for its trees, and ol' Lee always likes to go there to relax... though sometimes he fell asleep there, the old pompous fool. You like it there?"

He didn't know what to say. "... It's a pleasant place. I'm going there sometime... later..." he answered carefully.

"No, don't go at night," she scolded, and burped loudly. "Ah, excuse me... where was I? Oh yes; it's around mid-morning to late evening where you could see all the flowers flying everywhere!" She held her hands out for emphasis. "I got lost there because there're just so many flowers...!"

"... Yeah."

* * *

_Flora and wildlife were blossoming, especially in Czechuan Park where the petals cascaded gently on its lawn, coloring the isolated park with the vibrant color of lilac it was known for. It had been an arduous evening, and most people were looking forward to spending their time with their families – perhaps, for tradition's sake, watching the petals while sipping wine, or maybe celebrate the holiday in the upcoming festival tonight – and relishing in the tranquility only this season could bring. Everywhere, people retired to their homes, heartily bidding one another goodbye as they rushed back to prepare for the celebration..._

_Naturally, very few were looking rather forward to the hard labor of plowing the fields at present. Of course, they were aware that, on rare occasions, rain might pour bucket down and destroy the crops they had worked hard for, but it was far better to indulge yourself in sprawling in your lounge to catch up lost hours of sleep, and worry about them later when workday called. _

_Trees rustled in response to the sudden gust of wind, and lilac petals fluttered around the park before settling down on the ground gently, some crushed under the heel of a passerby strolling quietly along the path. The sun was setting._

_Goku absently dawdled with a few petals that drifted on his shoulder._

_He continued walking._

* * *

The old woman excused herself hurriedly, likely too affronted by the nonchalant way her questions had been answered. It had been a long afternoon. An exhausting afternoon where – even his body had its limits – it proved to be entirely to unsettling for him. The young teen glanced up, through mild curiosity, and saw a little boy running enthusiastically, away from his friends as they played a game of tag in the middle of the crowded streets. He didn't know if he wanted to join them, but he, in the end, decided against it.

He didn't want anything to do with them.

A flash of lilac caught his eye, and he sharply glanced up, not knowing exactly what to expect. Startled, he realized that it was only a mere gargantuan balloon some kid was waving around frantically. The kid lost his balance and fell flat faced on the ground, releasing his precious balloon as it flew up to the night. Sounds of furious wailings drifted to and past his ear, as he returned to his indifferent state once more, just standing there, doing nothing. He might have looked odd to some, leaning against the pole deathly still. But, frankly...

Did he really care?

* * *

_Small petals tumbled to the ground, butterflies swarmed around; some were caught in the sticky – sinister – remains that were glued on the branches of the tree. The beautiful shade of color lilac, tainted by the repulsive black seeping into it. The remains of a demon. Dark blood splattered against the tree – only one visible – clean – area which was at the core; it was almost as if the demon had been blown to pieces. The blood continued etching its way down the tree, dripping on the trunks, and staining its surroundings with its malice._

_The tree lapped in the crimson liquid, with the blood-tainted grass to give the only evidence of a demon exterminated._

_The bullet wedged tightly into the thick stem of the large tree, gleamed._

_That sacred aura, lingered..._

_Why did he feel as though he lived through this scene before..._

* * *

He'd been offered a bag of chips, perhaps out of the mood, and he accepted it, and waited until the person was out of sight, disappeared among the sea of crowds. Everyone was screaming and talking around him, that it finally graced him a headache he had been expecting. Someone pushed against him, and he stepped out of the way, not wanting to get involved in...

...anything.

* * *

_Blond. Utterly unremarkable yet, remarkable. The proud posture that no one but _him_ could have managed._

_He found him._

_Can he hold on to the light? Did he even want to hold on to the light?_

* * *

He held up the chips, stared blankly at it. Spicy ones. He hated spice. It burnt his tongue no matter how many glasses of water he doused his mouth with. A little girl ran passed him, and he suddenly grabbed hold of her before she escaped entirely out of his sight. A surprised shriek, and then, a look of delight when he pushed the bag of chips in her face. Thank you, was what she said.

"Oh God..." was what he murmured.

He shielded his eyes away from the crowd before they noticed the pain.

And grief. Blankness. Such combination of powerful emotions was enough to drive one out of the mind completely.

* * *

_ You want something I can't give. I won't give. _

_ That I won't give to anyone. _

_ You, of all people, should know. _

_ I do as I please. No one will own me. Ever. _

_ And if I give that something to you... _

_ That something you always wanted from me... _

_ I would go against everything I believed in. _

* * *

Sanzo's words hurt.

* * *

_ Eternally alone... _

_ Eternally, eternally alone... _

Goku's eyes were full of anguished tears.

_ I'm back where I started. _

* * *

It was morning.

Goku was still on the streets. The fool must have spent an entire – rainy – night slumped on the filthy earth of the streets up till morning, his head unmoving from the position of his feet. Looking from this position, it was not impossible to mistake him for a drunken juvenile who got himself a boot.

What was running through his head? Self pity?

Hardly.

Sanzo tucked away his glasses neatly into his sleeve, letting his eyes grace Goku's awkward figure. He held out his hands, cracked his knuckles and taking in the pleasant – cracking – sounds his fingers made. Crossing and uncrossing his legs, and did the former once more, he deliberately relaxed his form and leaned back against the park bench – it was slightly uncomfortable, considering his seat was practically drenched with rainwater. Again, he glanced ahead where he met the view of the empty streets right across the distance, not sure whether to raise his eyebrows in amusement or to bash the idiot monkey on the head where he most undoubtedly deserve. He tilted his face, squinting directly into the dark tint of the sky.

But to call Goku an 'idiot' at his current situation was admittedly erroneous. No longer brimming with every emotion in the uncommon eyes that Goku owned, no longer flickered with the essence of innocence, they became void dark golden reflections that held no signs of light – he had came to understand that. Goku's eyes were ugly back then, Sanzo thought, lovely, yes, but ugly in a way for they revealed none of the detestation one would expect grew from the tedious years of jailed in that cave called prison. Instead, benevolence and incorruptibility shone clearly through the windows of the boy's soul. He was nothing, ridiculously white and plain as paper.

This was why he would always be called a fool.

Sanzo looked away from the sky, pausing long enough to hunt for his cigarettes. He took one out, lit it up with a lighter stolen from Gojyo's pockets, and took a drag. As the pleasantness of the cigarette seeped into his head, Sanzo straightened a little and stared eerily at the boy's profile, out to drown himself in the waves of anguish that haunted his soul like a second shadow.

Across the streets, Goku refused to even shift his feet, crumpled like a broken doll and discarded. At this rate, he wouldn't even blink an eyelid even if his clothes and belongings were stolen, right there.

_ Lying pathetically right there... Goku, I wonder what's running through your mind right now. You're disheartened by yesterday's encounter, I can tell. Were you hoping I'd come to you, carting you off the streets and whisper the words you so longed to hear? If it was anyone else but me, you'll surely be granted that... _

_ I will say how many times you want me to say. _

_ But you, of all people, should know I will never mean them. _

_ And yet, you still twisted my arm, stubborn as a mule, you are... _ Sanzo took another drag from his cigarette, thoughtful.

_ You've always been that way. _

_ Tell me. Why am I not surprised? _

Goku began shift his body slightly, and hauled himself to an upright position, finally registering his surroundings. He seemed blank and bewildered. Sanzo watched him in mild interest, Goku standing on seemingly wobbly legs as he cautiously looked around like a lost puppy. After a long moment did he finally managed to register where he was, that small spark of life that caught Sanzo's eyes as he stirred dissipated into thin air. Sanzo shifted his position slightly to the right, cloaking himself away from open view so he wouldn't be noticed at all.

_ Interesting. What will you do next? _

Goku searched his clothes for a while longer, and seemed satisfied that nothing of his personal belongings was stolen while he was out cold in the middle of the open streets. Sanzo watched him lean against that lamppost again. It was similar to discovering a new puzzle box, where he was presented with thousands of riddles in order to solve it, and the intrigue and absorption proved decidedly tempting, he being a man who rather liked solving conundrums.

_Standing still there... what are you waiting for? Well, since I came out here – early morning – just to find you, and what luck too, since I stumbled on you just five seconds later… Hakkai can wait... I'll put off his worries later... _

_What're you going to do next, Goku? I'm here. Fool, you aren't even aware of my presence_. 

The weather changed, and what was left of the dark clouds caused mid-morning rain segmented, bursts of morning sunlight shone directly onto him, and he let himself relax. He let his eyelids droop slowly, yawned for the lost minutes of sleep, but still he left one incisive eye half-open, and he glanced at Goku in between moments – that familiar tingle whenever something caught his interest, however mild. Although it was recommendable to drag the boy back, he still would have liked to linger around the park and ponder over the predictions of Goku's next actions. That, because he had basically nothing to do in the morning – and the fact that the beguiling negative emotions the boy finally allowed himself to feel proved entertaining, for he wondered the way at which Goku will handle them. He shouldn't have let himself get worked up over something as insignificant as this. Damn stalker in him.

Absurdly innocent and inflexible, childishly valiant, perhaps even more than believed possible. He was unstoppable, as swift in eliminating his enemies as he was exultant in everyone's company. It would've taken not much to break through the spirit – if it were another – but because there were exceptions in every case, the boy couldn't be cracked even if he was hammered. Then he had spent a night with his intermittent friend, based on pure physicality, which resulted quite implausibly – Goku had shattered his carefree and naïve world and was now gushed in a river of pain and anger, that flash of hollowness that strongly reminded him of _Koryuu__, _stimulated Sanzo's now-growing interest in the adolescent he had kept at his side from the very beginning. Though it was only two and a day that passed, nobody could go through the certain emotions that Goku was going through – and not be traumatized in some way. Goku was faced with the challenging path of recovery, and it caught Sanzo's attention like none had ever had.

Gojyo ought to be sent a word of credit. Maybe not.

Besides, he moaned out Hakkai's name.

As much as it was only a night of release for the both of them, Sanzo couldn't help but feel a little irked that he couldn't distract his bed companion from the thoughts of the guy. Then again, it just proved how much the idiot redhead lusted over his comrade. Fools, all of them.

Sanzo raised his eyes at the stilled form of Goku. He was more than ready to admit that his rather unique relationship with the boy would have caused, at least, some pandemonium. The aphorism of the title Sanzo was to obey, without question – disobey, prosecuted. Relationships were forbidden: for the title Sanzo required the utmost attention to duties – let alone taking in a potentially dangerous felon – jailed for whatever it was that he did – even if it was a mere boy, and delightfully committing sins with him. The previous Sanzo would not have accepted Genjo Sanzo's ways of life.

But as much as he looked up to his master...

He was still his own person. So he didn't care.

Out of the corner of his eye, Goku began to move. He had begun to look Sanzo's way, and the boy's frowns proved that he still hadn't registered his presence yet, the fool. Sanzo tilted his head slightly – deliberately – and cast carefully concealed eyes to the blank ones that, for a moment, flickered with surprise before it gradually died down and darkened. How uncharacteristic it was for Goku to be like this, to struggle for insouciance he won't ever manage even if his life depended on it. Not that it actually worked. He was, by all means, too innocent, naïve, chaste to the bitter end – everything mirrored against Sanzo. He shed tears – when he shouldn't. He laughed – when he shouldn't. He held Sanzo as his sun – when he definitely shouldn't be.

It was one of the things about Son Goku Sanzo didn't understand – and probably never will.

They stared at each other for a second, before Goku started walking away. Sanzo, on the other hand, remained serenely where he was. His fingers paused from his cigarette. He let it dangle loosely from his fingers, dropping it to the ground and crushed it under his heel. Nearby, a little girl arrived at the park entrance along with her mother, her squeals tearing through the comfortable silence.

_ You're heading towards the club? I thought it closes only in the morning. Drowning yourself in liquor, saru? I never would have thought. _

_ Idiot. _

Sanzo worked the tension out of his neck, and yawned again.

_ Yes, you're an idiot. _

_ But perhaps, so am I. _

_ I've never followed anyone before. _

_ After I caught up to you... _

_ ...for the amount of troubles you put me through, I'm thinking I should kill you. _


	4. Chapter Three

**Frivolous Lovers**

Gensomaden Saiyuki

Chapter Three

Sanzo had taken his morning stroll, after a long moment of warming the bench, and brushing imaginary lint off his robes, and worked his muscles loose; he was smoking his third cigarette in an hour.

He found cigarettes to be somewhat gratifying. They were handy at times of troubles, and using them for anger management was surprisingly benefiting. Just a quick drag of his cigarette, and it would _slightly _soothe whatever had pissed him off. He was not, by nature, like those mild-tempered geezers back in the temple, preaching about the splendors of life and other sickening particulars when they themselves hadn't the slightest idea what they were talking about. Sanzo was frustratingly hard to please – and even frustratingly easier to fly off the handle. God have mercy to those around Sanzo at times when his cigarette supply ran out.

He glanced up the sky as he walked. It certainly wasn't sunny, but at least the dark clouds that invaded the skies earlier had dissipated. Torrential rain had poured down continuously all night – he could see rainwater mingled with hard soil layering the lane. Across from him, street cleaners were furiously trying to work out those little problems.

Czechuan Town was not a bad place at all, he had to admit – aside from the alarmingly substantial amount of lilac petals flailing around everywhere he went, and it gave him a sense of 'liberation', ambling around the large area of the town. But it was also easy to obtain drawbacks upon oneself in that open space, which makes large cities like these potentially dangerous to live in. It was a small annoyance on his part too, seeing that he had to walk every inch of the area in silent pursuit of his young companion, Goku. He accepted the exercise entirely – he would like to think of it as a way to waste idle time. _Finding _Goku was another story. It was basically impossible to tear apart every building and residence looking for him, but since Sanzo wasn't _that_ eager to hunt him down, he felt only a small flicker of annoyance before he deliberately relaxed his frame, finding it somewhat ridiculous to get worked up at over an insignificant thing. As much as the novelty of 'pursuing' amused him to no end, he could always resign himself back to the hotel, minus one briskly boy in tow.

Thinking about exercise and last night, Sanzo recalled the meeting that took place just several hours ago, Goku's bizarre behavior, and that final 'click'. He had wondered, out of mere curiosity, where Goku had spent the night then, seeing that he did not return after Sanzo had. His curiosity _almost _got the better of him, before it was firmly shut off like a switch and slept through the hours. A walk straight to the park the next morning confirmed those suspicions – Goku hadn't returned because he was out there spending the night with the lamppost. Not exactly thrilling, he thought.

If not the discotheque, then were would Goku head to, seeing that his tracks had abruptly stopped just at the entrance – and quickly dashed to the direct opposite route, where there were buildings and construction sites to aid him? Sanzo remained sitting, uncertain between irritation and grim amusement at Goku's clear attempts at ditching him. Already, the day was quickly growing weary, and he would've liked to return back to the hotel for an all-you-can-eat breakfast his credit card could bring him. There'll also be the finest liquor there, as well as cuisine nothing short of the best.

Sanzo liked exclusive things.

Briefly, in amusement, he wondered his credit card was all it took for Goku to come running back like the insatiable idiot he was.

He got up, cracked a few knuckles, and shaking his head, began to pursue Goku's trail. After a short while, it was beginning to become clearer that he was traveling in circles, and a tour guide would have to be called in. Having no need for little pointless complications, Sanzo gave himself a full hour to pinpoint Goku's locations, otherwise, to hell with him. Did Goku honestly think Sanzo would take the time to run mindlessly around and tearing the city apart looking for him?

* * *

_ You're not making this easy, are you? _

_ Annoying brat, is there anything at all that won't make you cry? _

_ Forget it – I've wasted too much time thinking about this. _

_ However transparent it is, that you would want me to follow you... _

_ Better if it were Hakkai instead of me. _

_ I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a fool. _

* * *

Due to unexpected torrential rain pouring down the streets, the whole morning considerably soured, and so did Sanzo's mood. Rain had that effect on him, where it unconsciously drew up unwanted memories from the back doors of his mind, only to have sporadic images swarming in his head until he realized it too late. Many a time he had successfully purged those detestable recollections back to where they belonged with only three or more glasses of wine. There was something he found intriguing about hurling curses and insults at a blank wall staring right back at you.

A decidedly awful headache and a sudden craving for cigarettes caused him to make a quick return back to the hotel, where he greeted the innkeeper's cordial smile with a curt nod. It was somewhat comical, to see the young lady – of no older than eighteen? – falling all over her feet trying every single technique to catch his interest – all the while trying not to blow her cover while she was doing so. It took no more than a mere flirtatious smile and the fluttering of eyelashes to stir his interest mildly – before he deliberately creased it away and shoved his ever-willing friend, Gojyo, over to her. His life was complete with vast troubles, bombastic, plump women unquestionably included.

Gojyo was fiddling around with a pack of cards he probably stole from Hakkai's pockets, and Sanzo entered the room quietly. Of course, both of them were fully aware of Sanzo's temperamental behavior whenever it rained, as it did now, and for once, he was thankfully ignored, letting silence reign freely. Gojyo could be a lot of things, but obtuse wasn't one of them. Sanzo had to give him points for that.

Paying no heed to Gojyo's presence, Sanzo positioned himself comfortably on his own bed, where he began to hold out his hands – and blanked out awareness. If there was one thing he liked about mornings, it was the reassuring ambiance that easily counteracted the pressure settling around his aura like a bleak shadow. Easing his mind into nothingness and exploring the eccentricity of meditation, especially when his mood threatened to run rampant at the present, moreover, has its points. Equanimity would rule his body into complete immobility in order to strengthen his mentality, where no obstructive emotions would reign freely and get in his way of reasoning.

_ Of course, if I've a cigarette or two with me, that'll also work. _

_ Meditating would do, for now. _

"So, did you find Goku yet?" Gojyo's voice broke through the silence.

So he'd finally taken the first move.

_ Good for him. _

Sanzo paused. "Not that it's disconcerting for you, but it'll have to take slightly longer to find the idiot. Of course, you're welcome to take my place if you want." It was somewhat pleasing to note that his body had already worked its way into stationary state. It had taken less time than previously. He opened his eyes, satiated.

Gojyo had flung the cards over his shoulder. "Well, damn, the least you could do is to sound _worried _about the guy. I'm no innocent party myself, but I do oughta let you know that it's a little upsetting for him to run around at this kind of weather," the idiot redhead drawled, draping an arm over his chair. "Even if he does drive me up the wall sometimes, I wouldn't be letting him slip through my fingers if I were you."

Sanzo's temper nearly erupted, and it was only through quick reasoning that he steadily calmed down. "But you're not me, so live with it. Shut the fuck up or I'll shoot your mouth off."

"That's not a nice way to speak to your _friend_," he drawled easily. Cold irritation seemed to dawn upon his eyes, however. "Then again, with the things that you're capable of nowadays, I suppose this is one of your new traits?"

"Got a cigarette?"

Gojyo stretched his arms wide. "I'm out."

Deliberately, Sanzo raised his eyebrows and glanced mockingly at Gojyo, who had immediately launched into a tirade, something about the immoralities and flawed quirks Sanzo supposedly carried. The fool of all fools - Gojyo had single-handedly whipped up the title. What the hell kind of power had granted Gojyo to sprout absolute nonsense out of his mouth, criticizing him from every damn angle there was – when Gojyo himself possessed the very flaws he had declared vile? Hypocrisy was one of the many things Sanzo never tolerated, _especially _from the people he was traveling with.

At this moment, he found it more than repulsing to come even four feet within Gojyo's distance.

For the hundredth time, he found himself wondering just what it was that _possessed_ him to choose _Gojyo_, out of a million people, to vent his sexual frustrations on. Given the circumstances that happened prior to that, he was partially blameless since the fight with Goku had led to a session of negative emotions, causing irrational actions. He wouldn't say it was irrational, actually, because, with Gojyo, it provided him an opportunity to release his _inner_ frustrations as well. Many things would make him annoyed, yes. _Very _few things would lure him into an actual fit of temper. It was just a pure stroke of luck that Gojyo happened to be there at the right time, the right place for Sanzo to work out his stress on. It was yet to be decided whether that luck was good – or bad.

Sanzo stood up to his full height, shutting Gojyo up instantly. He should've known it was a bad idea to return back to the hotel after all – the last thing he needed was more complications piling up on top of one another, when he already had in his hands the dreadful task of searching for his _other_ companion at the moment, who seemed to take a liking to running around and playing hide-and-seek. It wasn't even amusing anymore, and by this time, all that was left was bored annoyance, and he wanted to get it over with as early as possible.

"I'm out of here," he bit out harsher than he intended, placing his hand on the doorknob. What he would do for a drink right now. "Do try and-"

He'd seen it coming, yet his body proved to be entirely too slow to respond to the urges his brain was frantically calling out. Sanzo's back slammed against the door, and Gojyo's enraged eyes stared back, with one hand clutching Sanzo's throat. A finger pressed dangerously on Sanzo's vital spot - it took nearly all of Sanzo's restraint not to draw out his gun at that instant and shoot the man dead for even _daring_ to position Sanzo like this. Well, he would restrain himself for a second anyway, listen to what Gojyo had to say – and shoot him. To hell with companionship.

"It's your mistake not to believe how serious I am about this," Gojyo said lightly. "Do listen to what I've to say here?"

There was amusement first. It was strange, how it seemed everything would cause him to be amused lately. Then, considering his situation right now, there was a little spark – just slightly – and Sanzo pondered over it briefly, before he realized that it was actually genuine anger that he was experiencing right now. It was a little unfamiliar, but he could recognize it nevertheless. So it was real anger that caused the tightening of his throat.

Gojyo had managed to make him earnestly livid.

_ How fucking arrogant. _

"...acting like some first-class bastard, with the way you're going," Gojyo was saying. "Goku's out there all alone, so at the very least, you could try and _find _him? It's pouring out there, for crying out loud."

"And so? Why don't you take my place instead?" Sanzo carefully watched Gojyo's expression, that turned from surprise to bemusement.

"Of course not. He'll probably hang on to something for dear life even if I do try and pull him back by his legs, the idiot kid. But I'll bet anything that he'll listen to _you_, since that's the way it goes, anyway."

"I see," Sanzo nodded calmly. His fingers trailed leisurely over his gun. Strange enough, Gojyo seemed to sense what Sanzo was about to do, and slowly backed away.

So the guy _had _been pushing his luck.

"Hell, at least act like you care about him," muttered Gojyo, glancing irritably at him. "It was a mistake not to think about how ridiculously fragile he is when it comes to stuff like this – sure, it's also my fault too, since I didn't think about how Goku's seeing all this." Then Gojyo seemed to harden. "Why the hell am I wasting time telling you all this, I don't know. Fine, suit yourself. Get the hell out of here." He threw up his hands. "I don't think I'm even reaching you."

"You should know by know that anything that flies out of your mouth is pure rubbish," Sanzo calmly stated, shutting the door behind him. The silence was pacifying.

_ Yes, tell that to someone who cares. _

* * *

Sanzo had stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Gojyo shook his head and went to the side of the couch, looking down at the sleeping Hakkai. He lay soundlessly on the dilapidated coach - a pathetic, round furniture stuffed with fillings practically decorating the hotel room all over, and served no purpose other than something that attempted to glorify the bleak shadowy space that was the living room. An afternoon intentionally spent on the books had apparently gone off course, due to the fact that even _Hakkai_ probably wouldn't have stomached _extremely _tedious books even for the whole morning. His chest heaved up and down slowly, releasing an occasional snore under the thick paperback obscuring his face. His body shifted in complaint and, he scratched his chin, but other than that, he was unquestionably out for the moment.

"Damn, but only _you _are capable of sleeping even through an earthquake," Gojyo murmured in amazement. Hakkai hadn't even stirred from the commotion. "You should've been awake to join our argument. For some reason, I've always lost against the guy. He's a bastard, I know that, but I'm one too, I guess. Maybe I should've gone out and find Goku, instead of staying here."

_ And watching over you. _

Yes, it was true that somewhere along the way, Gojyo had inexplicably fallen for that handsome face, seriously fallen. He fought against it at first - being a person who did not go around falling for _men_, let alone his best _male_ friend, Gojyo tried every tactic he knew to erase those unwanted feelings out of himself, from viciously chasing the skirts of other available females, to drinking himself to oblivion. His desperation to keep up the balance between him and Hakkai caused him to stay away, even snapping and occasionally releasing harsh comments to him, some harsher than intended. The feelings of guilt hung heavily on his shoulders, but it was a small price to pay if he wanted to rinse himself out of those feelings.

_ Yeah, it worked for a while. _

_ But Hakkai's... well, Hakkai. And that's what made me fall like a ton of bricks. _

_ Hell, his smile could light up an entire tree. _

Gojyo's fingers went unconsciously to touch the sides of Hakkai's face, gently smoothing fingertips over a cheek. Soft and lacking of stubble – sometimes it caused Gojyo jealousy whenever he thought of it. Hakkai was born a natural beauty. Gojyo's hand brushed over Hakkai's brown bangs, then trailed down to his jaw, where he stared – captivated – with the smoothness of Hakkai's throat. He should stop, Gojyo mused. He should definitely stop, before he went over the edge. This was _Hakkai_he was touching, and Hakkai was completely off-limits. Yet, Gojyo didn't. His other hand lingered on Hakkai's knee. Damn, he was feeling tight now.

He didn't want just sex with Hakkai, if he ever managed to accomplish that, he thought as he brought his face a mere breath away from Hakkai's. It had to be special, unlike his other conquests where he would just bed them – and discard them away like unwanted trash. It had taken him several weeks just to realize that. Women were supposed to fill the void in him – at least, for a period of time – and the further his past memories were placed in the back of his mind, the better. He liked women, but he thought he could never love them. His past made sure of that. With Hakkai, he wasn't so sure.

It had taken him several weeks and drinks to realize that it _wasn't_ unethical to love Hakkai.

_ It isn't wrong. _

_ And I'm sorry it took me that long to figure it out. _

Then he leaned down, touching Hakkai's face, and kissed him lightly on the lips.

He could feel Hakkai stirring slightly, the slightest of movements of his lips under his own and Gojyo was surprised that he didn't move away. Perhaps he had wanted this too long, that his physical urges caused his mind to automatically shut down. It had been that way previously. Hakkai could wake up at any minute, so why didn't he pull away and scamper off to the nearest corner of the room, pretending that nothing had happened?

_ It's a little troubling – these feelings – but do you expect me to ignore them? _

_ Bluntly speaking, I mean to have you, in some way or other. _

_ But I know you, Hakkai. You'll put up a hell of a fight... I expected it. _

_ That's all right. I enjoy obstacles. _

* * *

Gojyo looked up, trying to catch his breath and comprehend what exactly he was doing here. He tried to sort out the clutter of thoughts swarming in his mind – his eyes confused, and thoughtful, and trying to figure out the best solutions to the problem. Instead, he saw Goku standing in the doorway, hand frozen on the doorknob and face an alarming shade of pale white as he stared at Gojyo, then at Hakkai.

_ Oh shit. _

Then Goku collapsed.

* * *

Sanzo stood between the bed and the window, shadows of light of the gloomy afternoon streaming through. He watched his unconscious companion. Aside from the pills that were given to him, Goku's eyes were still moving behind their eyelids, his fingers twisting the bedspreads – seemingly fighting against whatever nightmares he was experiencing through at the moment.

The stupid brat got himself bed-ridden after mindlessly walking in the rain. He should've known it was a road trip straight to a very unpleasant cold.

Sanzo uncrossed his arms and walked over to him, and sat down on the edge of the bed. He shouldn't be waking Goku up. And yet, glancing at that face brought fresh questions to his head, and he wanted answers. No, he should let Goku rest first.

Then he'll start whacking the boy.

It was indeed a surprise, when he was about to exit the hotel, only to have none other than Gojyo yelling after him, something about obtuse brats occupying the floor of their hotel room. He hadn't paid much attention then, having drinks and cigarettes firmly on his mind, until his ears picked up the words of Goku's name. The fool was out cold, probably from exhaustion.

_ What's the matter, Goku? _

_ Running away because your ego's wounded? _

_ Honestly... _

He pinched Goku's knee gently, who almost instantly emitted groans and began to stir. Sanzo looked away, so Goku couldn't entirely see his face when he woke up. He looked out the window casually, though he kept a sharp scrutiny on the brat from the corner of his eye.

Goku's eyes wavered open, rapidly blinking as if to get used to his surroundings. He looked around the room, still looking dazed, and tried to shift his body, looking unquestionably bewildered – and uneasy. Apparently taking into account that he wasn't where he thought he would be, Goku pushed himself upwards, his eyes trailing across the room, the rutted wallpapers, and his surroundings.

And Sanzo.

Goku's gaze rested on him, seemingly hovering on the fine line between dreams and reality.

Sanzo turned his head and faced Goku fully, raising his eyebrows and returned his stare.

There was a tense silence.

"No!" gasped out Goku, scrambling onto his feet.

Sanzo cocked his head. Goku was obviously not happy to see him.

Sanzo fought back a smile and said," You're awake." Hell, he was actually amused.

Goku's stormy eyes darted around the room, obviously looking for an escape.

"It seems you fainted when you came back," Sanzo continued, his eyes narrowing. "That's what you get when you ran around under this kind of weather." Goku tried to bolt from the bed and to the door. Sanzo, shaking his head, held out his arm at the very second Goku left the bed, and he recoiled from it and fell flat on his face on the ground.

"Gojyo made me watch over you, so..."

Seemingly at a complete loss, Goku tried to scramble upright onto his two feet. Sanzo elegantly rose from the bed, and whilst doing it, he swept Goku's legs out from under him in an offhanded conduct. Goku went tumbling back to the floor.

"Since I've got nothing do, why not?"

Goku positioned himself back into a sitting stance.

"It's best for you to stay here."

A blend of fury and hysteria, was the look Goku furiously shot him. Sanzo restricted himself to keep from smiling. He shouldn't smile a lot, he scolded himself. It made the face ache.

They glared at each other in silence.

_ Right. _

_ I'm curious as to find out how he's going to react now. _

_ Won't be pleasant... _

_ But who says I'm shedding tears over it? _


	5. Chapter Four

**Frivolous Lovers**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Chapter Four

* * *

"You seemed troubled today. A penny for your thoughts...?"

Somewhat startled, Gojyo looked up. As always, Hakkai's expression was a blend of concern and interest, those sharp eyes flickering to him before glancing back to his papers. Forcing his aching muscles to contract and his form to relax, with effort, a ghost of a smile appeared in stead of the frown. He reached across the table and snatched his pack of cigarettes, careful to look anywhere but into the windows of Hakkai's green eyes, where he intuitively knew they would trap him into their depths. He didn't seem to be _that _attentive on Gojyo's profile, however, with his curiosity half-enticed into the morning papers. With a little shake of the pack, a cigarette popped out – and it was the last one too – he let it dangle between his fingers, absently making a mental note to replenish his stock. The morning succulence seeped into their hotel quarters, the contented stillness lying down upon them like a thick blanket.

"You'd need more than a penny," Gojyo yawned, and rubbed his eyes. Muffled yells and shouts drifted through the walls – it seemed like it was coming from next door – and he mentally blocked it out. "Don't people have anything better to do at this hour?" he muttered under his breath. Out loud, he said," Got a crick in my neck. Really can't sleep last night. What did they put under there, bricks?"

Gojyo's head slumped on the cool marble of the table, toying with the florescent lamp, the glow still burning brightly after a chilly night, its flames flickering, lashing out, before settling down with the ease of a quill. "It is fucking _cold _in here, Hakuryuu's busy snoring away, Sanzo and the idiot monkey are playing silly games with each other in their rooms," Gojyo complained. "Why can't we drag our asses outta here? Do you feel like an old scrooge? I know_ I_ do." Hakkai smiled dimly but didn't say anything. The feeling of warmth flooded Gojyo's head, as it continually did after a shamelessly satisfying session of studying his companion's handsome profile : the familiar stirring in his groin thrusting all judgment into the depths of abyss, every inch of skin screaming out for a kiss, a touch. The gratifying capture of Cho Hakkai, unguarded. Momentarily flustered, he reached for his lighter, lit his forgotten cigarette, and took a drag.

"We can't leave here unless we're sure Goku's recovered from his ordeal," Hakkai returned without looking away from the papers. "I'd like to take a walk around town too, but Goku's blackout is... rather alarming, don't you think? A mere shower of rain? Goku could manage much more than that." Raising his eyebrows, Gojyo looked at the man sitting across him, and for a moment, something hurtled through him, and he couldn't quite put a finger to it. Hakkai was busy skimming through the papers, his eyes shifting left and right - there was nothing out of the ordinary save the little formality Hakkai's tone chose to implement.

Hakkai was never formal with him.

Ever.

"You need to get out more, instead of worrying about others."

Hakkai didn't say anything.

"It's a perfect chance for us to stroll around town," Gojyo tried again. "If you keep this up, you're gonna fall over sooner or later."

"I suspect that's going to happen very soon... especially when you have Sanzo in... there."

That was hovering dangerously into unwanted issues.

Gojyo's attention was full now. "Considering Sanzo is the quite the last... I would've tended to him immediately, since there was _no_ need for Sanzo to, but I seemed to have dozed off yesterday," Hakkai said lightly – his shaking fingers said otherwise. "I should thank him. The problem is... he hadn't left the room since yesterday, when he carried Goku over. It makes me... _worry_."

Gojyo automatically reached for Hakkai's hand. Just as their fingers touched, Hakkai quickly pulled away as if his skin were burnt.

_... what?_

"You have nothing to worry about," Gojyo answered slowly, still staring at the place where Hakkai's hand was before.

_Something's wrong._

The leisureliness pranced out of those green eyes, replaced by something much more imperceptible. Hakkai set down the papers. "Only you would think so." Hakkai's smile was delicate – the barricade, the proficiently mask of ice that belied the optimism that made up the man's disposition; it was a despicable look, it was the _only _despicable look the man could attain, and it was far alarming than the tantrums of the man Sanzo himself. It revealed and betrayed nothing, and sometimes, it birthed the feeling of anxiety inside of Gojyo that simply wanted nothing more than gaiety to return back to its place. Only very few times were Hakkai's veiled side shown its fangs, however, Gojyo had never been a prey to it. Gojyo's unease was written across his face, spread itself out before Hakkai, read like an open book.

"And I have every reason to think so too," Hakkai shook his head for a moment, as if he wanted to shake his thoughts away. A pause, and Hakkai stood, straightening his form, obstructing the sunlight's radiance shimmering through the smooth glass, his silhouette carved onto the floor panels. "But yesterday... when I was sleeping..."

Gojyo's heart began to pound.

_No, it's not possible._

_He would've objected – but he didn't._

_He was asleep. I **knew** he was asleep._

_So what's troubling him?_

_Hakkai..._

Hakkai stood before Gojyo, staring down at him. Again, Gojyo wished there was a possibility of _imprinting _feelings – any emotions – to those flat features. It didn't suit Hakkai well. It would never suit him well. Especially his eyes : They were _blaming_ him for something.

_Yeah, I'm to blame._

_You're blaming me for... that time, right?_

_When I had him in my arms, and you on my lips._

_I wondered when you're gonna get around to it._

_Blaming me... but anything's better than this._

_Don't just stand there!_

"What's the matter, Hakkai?" Gojyo drawled lazily, the edges of his lips crinkling into a lopsided smile. "It's not like you to be _this_ quiet. If you're... pissed about something, then have the guts to yell it to my face."

He seemed to struggle for words. Gojyo took that moment to snuff his cigarette onto the ashtray, conveniently across him, displaying his indifference. He held the upper hand, at least for now, the mask of surliness seeping into place. They were actors, on a stage, uttering lines that didn't hold a candle to what was authentic. Hakkai must know he was perched treacherously on thin ice, and that Gojyo was willing to be bound with him down that fall.

"We _do_ need to settle something," Hakkai admitted, his tone even. "If I don't get it out, it's bound to eat me alive, sooner or later... until everything's resolved, nothing's going to change." He finally looked at Gojyo straight in the eyes. "But now's not the time for that."

"Not the time?" Gojyo echoed dumbly.

"Just yesterday... or more precisely, last night..."

Gojyo frowned. "What is it?"

"Last night... I heard something... I went out..."

_Okay, I know he blames me for screwing Sanzo. _

_But at least he didn't mention it._

_What about Goku?_

_Stumbling into the room at the most incongruous time?_

Hakkai seemed to recover quickly. "I heard something in Goku's room. I didn't think anything of it, since he sometimes has nightmares... well... and yet, it was... somewhat _strange_."

"Strange?" Gojyo echoed. _Even more strange is that Hakkai is actually stammering!_"What's so strange about the brat moaning? He's probably jerking off or doing something equally dissolute."

"...he did?" Hakkai asked, looking startled. Gojyo thought he detected a hint of crimson splashed across Hakkai's cheeks, but he wasn't entirely too certain. Of course not. How silly it was, when the man never let anything hassle his poise. Catching Hakkai's face turn into a wonderful shade of red was one of the few things Gojyo would like to do before he turned into a ripe age of forty.

"No, well, not that I've _seen_ him doing it, but it _is_ possible."

"No, that's not it," The man shook his head, looking impatient. "Goku doesn't seem like the type to do... _that._ It's just that... well...

I found it a little odd that he wasn't in his room last night."

* * *

Goku's eyes quivered open against the drowning sounds of falling rain and blinked slowly. For a silent moment, he focused on the extent of drapes on the windows that fluttered soothingly, engaging to him, and his eyes followed their every movements, lifting up to the air enticingly, before drifting back down with the ease of a fallen petal. Rain lashed against the windowpanes, the howls of the chilling wind in the early morning. Turning his head to one side, he brought his hand up, studying the lines of his palm intently.

Forcing himself to sit up, Goku squeezed his eyes shut and then flickered open. He'd had a good night's rest, he realized, and the mist of sleep was still ever circuiting in him. A half-filled glass rested on the bed stand – he reached for it and downed the contents in one gulp. His eyes instinctively drooping, he coiled into a ball, resting his head on the pillows as he let drowsiness overtake him...

...wait.

There was a shadow, leaning against the door.

Mildly disorientated, Goku narrowed his eyes, now fighting against the sleepiness that threatened his wake. That figure, which he was almost entirely sure hadn't been there before, shifted towards ambiguity, moving and hiding with the shadows in the room. The perfect duplication of a statuette, if not for the small, rhythmic rise of the chest, the even movements of breathing – that shadow slithered to the window's borders – staring out perplexedly. His arms crossed with a vague manner of indifference, his head turned to the side, with eyes shimmering with the force of amethyst fire, the cynical, simplicity gaze of a predator that studied the world from the inside, looking out; his head shifted, and was momentarily shrouded with glistening light from the transoms – the familiar serious alignment of the jaw, the brief flash of light blond hair...

Goku sat up straight.

_ Sanzo. _

_ Oh... that's right... _

_ I fell asleep yesterday... what happened next? _

_ Got a bruise... on my knee... he tripped me. That's right! _

_ And I went on falling asleep. _

_ But what happened after that? _

Gently resting back against the pillows but not tearing his eyes away from Sanzo's form, watching him intently with unwavering rigidity – this was rare. The prospect to view Sanzo from an angle like this, in his unfortified state, unruffled, all except for the mask of blankness still etched on his features – being spontaneous and natural, a state that was conceivably forbidden to the eyes of a friend, to the eyes of a stranger.

_ No. _

Goku mentally shook his head. No, it was impossible! Even for the extermination of demons that were carried out, there must've been some sign of emotions, the cruel smile, the genteel demeanor that only he was capable of, the cold irrevocability that was directed to them as well as the people surrounding him... but could that really be considered a moment when that mask had slipped? No, no one could ever be that capable of hiding their emotions so efficiently.

Then again, this was _Sanzo_.

Just as Sanzo started to turn towards him, Goku's eyes quickly flew shut. He feigned sleep, hoping against hope that Sanzo hadn't noticed – or more likely, _chose_ not to notice, since when was there anything that could slip from the man's uncannily sharp gaze? Goku willed himself to breathe evenly, his eyes closed, resting peacefully, deathly afraid to be caught staring at his guardian – afraid, and dismayed, the feeling of insurgency, like a child whose punishment gained from seeking what he shouldn't be. Goku, very gently, sneaked a peek. Sanzo was staring right at him, his eyes thoughtful and flat, and his heart started to pound. Losing his resolve, Goku's eyes dove shut, unwilling to take that chance. The cold heat of Sanzo's eyes still on him – as intense and cautious, burning into his skin... long enough for Goku to realize that maybe Sanzo really did think he was asleep after all – and the man began to stalk slowly to Goku. Blind panic seized him as he tried mightily to remain immobile as he can ever be, the heat like feathers brushing along his searing skin.

Goku's eyes flew open, and immediately, Sanzo's eyes leapt to meet his, losing its equanimity, like a bird suddenly changing its direction, like a flower that bloomed and suddenly shrunk against the fall of sunlight. He saw a brief flash lurking in Sanzo's eyes –_ well caught, _they laughingly told him - and then it was passed, the usual remoteness slid smoothly back in place, so instantly that he thought he must've imagined it. Something was lost then, at that moment, as the man masked everything in his face with the familiar camouflage of unswerving superiority, a mask of rigid formality.

Standing up, Goku wanted to say that he was all right now, that he didn't want Sanzo to look after him – as much as he wanted to tell Sanzo that a considerable distance between them would've been preferred, he discovered that he couldn't say it... yet – and Sanzo's eyes narrowed into sharp awareness. Goku found that his head was still spinning robustly, and the urge to speak up died down, replaced by something much colder, an icy and alarming loneliness, a claw-like alertness that pierced him with crystal clarity, like an arrow shot.

The betrayal was still fresh, like raw wound that stubbornly refused to heal.

Feeling empty and ashamed – for unfathomable reasons – Goku closed his eyes, and slightly bowed his head, his attention setting on the walls, the furniture, anywhere but the man Sanzo himself. Unnerved, Goku awkwardly prowled over to the door, mindless of everything but the unrelenting intent of escaping from the gripping pressure of two unwanted presences, sharing the same room. Arching his head down, he mumbled something unintelligible, and rested his hand on the brass doorknob.

_Did he spend the night here? Watching me?_

Something leapt to his throat, Goku could feel color draining from his face – how could he have allowed Sanzo to catch him when he was at his most vulnerable?

* * *

Pensive, Sanzo watched Goku's back stiffen. To think that such a small, irrelevant gesture could truly reflect the genuine emotions that Goku silently stowed away... well, he really shouldn't be surprised – this _was_ Goku, after all, and it shouldn't be considered extraordinary. He was nothing, if not the inclination to blurt out whatever bubbled inside of him at certain times.

But if there _was_ a time when Goku's emotions were at its peak... it would've to be when they subjugated the bed sheets, Sanzo thought. A touch that spoke more than any words could ever do, a sigh – a whisper, a moan, blended with elated delight, of untold secrets, and yet, with a restraint that mirrored the lingering caress of hesitation, all of them washed away like white sand to waves, caused by a single touch, and a murmur. But that kind of astonishing tenderness was nowhere to be found now. The unusually serious set of Goku's lips, the fleeting mixture of anguish and suffering exposed in the golden flicks of his eyes, the resentment that conquered the ambiance of an area where his feet were planted; it sparked a little something, a flicker of remote curiosity of a voracious cat – the differences between _then_ – and _now_ – were immeasurably great. He could no longer lay a hand on Goku without sensing the bitter retreat of loathing radiating from the younger boy's stead. Sanzo hunted his robes for a cigarette, now torn between disdainful annoyance and amusement. Albeit entertaining to witness Goku's epic struggle of conflicting emotions, he had to admit that it was also gradually hovering on the borders of limited patience.

But wait...

Patience... for what? What was he anticipating? Sanzo thought for a moment, and decisively found that question mildly interesting. What was he waiting for? Questions, questions, questions... if he could hoped to have all the answers to all his questions – or lack of – then he wouldn't be mystified by the game of hide-and-seek that held in its hands the wondrous mysteries... _no_, Sanzo decided. It completely wouldn't do at all, to do without the thrills of knotty indistinctness. It was that thrill he sought, and so, he would take his time. For a brief moment, he saw the disapproved face of the late Komyou Sanzo, shaking his head at his impudence, and Sanzo shrugged it off, smiling thinly. As much as he loved his master, what he did with his own quarry was nobody's business but his.

"What, running away after I took the trouble to slip in here? I think not," Sanzo remarked offhandedly, watching Goku's hand slid from the doorknob, and then back again assertively. He seemed to want to blurt out something, but must've finally decided against it. Almost with unbearable patience did Goku finally meet Sanzo's undaunted stare, and they glinted vibrantly, with a cold fierceness that held the craving of a challenge, to confront the ascendancy of his guardian. An unexpected frisson of awareness sparked inside Sanzo.

_Playing games, are we?_

_How amusing... what an absurd brat you are, Goku._

_Don't you realize it?_

_In these games... I **always** win._

And indeed, without another word, Goku stepped out and shut the door soundly behind him.

Sanzo shook his head. Seeing Goku's eyes like that, glimmering with barely suppressed... hatred? How odd... no, he couldn't even begin to grasp the notion – there was no one that was more aware of Goku's incessant loyalty than Sanzo himself, such dedication was almost rare to come by, and he recognized one such as that in Goku. Whatever it was that Goku was feeling underneath his skin right now, Sanzo had to admit that while it certainly wasn't clear, that expression prompted a distant memory of that fatal time, when something had caught Sanzo's attention and met the eyes of a wildcat, untamed eyes that were alive with perplexity and unshed loneliness. He had the same eyes back then, in that prison of a cave, devoid of sunlight and warmth.

Somewhere in mid-afternoon, the rain finally loosened up, much to Sanzo's satisfaction. Goku still hadn't returned to his room, and probably would never intend to, seeing that Sanzo hadn't once stepped out of there. Sanzo found it oddly amusing to see Goku running away at times when they crossed paths with each other – and to think that once upon a time, he couldn't pry the brat's fingers off his arms even if he tried. His amusement heightened, and he shook his head, before deliberately relaxing his form. As much as he found Goku entertaining to watch, he found it a little strenuous to have the brat occupying so much of his attention. Perhaps a little bit of liquor would help.

"Shouldn't you be heading out to town at a time like this?"

Not the least bit fazed, Sanzo looked behind his shoulder just in time to see Hakkai shutting the door gently behind him. A cigarette dangling between his fingers, Sanzo looked back out the window and took a drag.

"There's not much to sight-see." Indeed, there wasn't. He'd been here for only a few days and it was already starting to get to him. "Why don't you run along with Gojyo?"

"I want to know why you spent last night here," Hakkai interrupted, his tone light. "And _what _you did here."

Without even acknowledging him, Sanzo exhaled smoke out of the window and hid an ironic smile. He'd been wondering when the man would get to the subject. "I don't see how that's _any_ of your business, Hakkai," he drawled, his eyes following the movements of a young boy playing catch out the window.

"I care about him, Sanzo. Of all of us, Goku is the one that needs... all the consideration he can get," Hakkai's tone was cautious, Sanzo noted with interest.

"Consideration? What are you talking about? Wasn't he the one that trounced all those fools of demons just a fortnight ago?"

"No, Sanzo," Hakkai gently replied. "While Goku may be tougher than all of us on a physical scale, does that mean his feelings are also included? He holds you the most dearly, and to have that devotion he felt for you crushed into pieces..."

"Hakkai," Sanzo interrupted unsympathetically. "Much as I love to have this little discussion with you, I hardly think I'm in the mood for it now."

"... why Goku was so strong was partially because his determination was fueled because of the sympathy and support for every living thing that breathes air, all those targeted by their nemeses, those demons... that's just what Goku is. Imagine someone he_ loves, _and those feelings would amplify immensely..." Hakkai stopped, taking a breath. "And to have those feelings _betrayed..."_

There was something particularly strange in Hakkai's expression. Sanzo looked closer, studying the man's face attentively. He still couldn't quite put a finger to it, but what he concluded was that it looked suspiciously like wistfulness... the face of a person who desired to protect someone he dearly cherished. To protect... Goku?

"You sound like a poor sod, Hakkai," Sanzo commented, watching Hakkai carefully. "I didn't realize Goku was that important to you."

Hakkai's laugh was mellow. "Perhaps that _was_ a bit overdone, but I'm not lying, when I say Goku is very important to me. He..." Hakkai stopped again, looking mystified. "I'm not qualified to say that he reminded me of what I was before... Kanna's... what happened to Kanna... but he symbolized something that was out of my reach, something I could never become. It's unnatural to have someone of his age and experience having that kind of foolish innocence...

... and since I couldn't grasp it... I might as well _protect_ it." And then Hakkai's tone quickly grew sober. "And therefore, you can understand me if I said that I'm not really happy to have that innocence very nearly destroyed by the likes of you and Gojyo."

Sanzo's tone was dry. "I'm sorry if I offended you, Hakkai."

"You've got to understand. It wasn't the fact that Goku's most dearest person – you – went behind his back and bedded someone else... it was that you did it with a friend, one whom Goku considered to be very close. Gojyo." Hakkai looked down, staring at his feet. "I'm not even sure if that could even be thought forgiven."

Sanzo finally turned around and faced Hakkai, his face unsmiling. "You've been thinking a lot, haven't you? Are you accusing me of being the villain here just because Goku's moping around like a fucking child?"

"It's because you're Goku's most precious person, and I don't know how Goku feels right now, but I reckon it's safe to say that it hurts _very_ much... because you're his precious person."

"Hakkai, Hakkai," Sanzo shook his head, his lips curved upwards into a twisted smile. "Never once did I want that burden. Like all of them, you're becoming a fool."

"A fool I will be to you, but that doesn't change what you did to Goku," Hakkai said sincerely.

Sanzo looked away, bemused. "You're labeling me as his most precious person, when I should be the complete opposite? Tell me, what is it then, if not foolish gratitude for being the first person to rescue him from his prison? Coped for five hundred years, and having not a single clue what true feelings are, it's easy for the brat to misplace gratitude with love." Sanzo met Hakkai's eyes unwaveringly, sharply. "Love is giving everything you've got – and of course, I can't do that. Even more for him, as he's that naïve, as you've said, that the idiot will mistake _anything_ for the love he claimed to feel."

"And what of you, Sanzo? What if you had mistake love for... something else? What if that is love you feel for him?"

Sanzo finally allowed a small – mocking - smile to seep through. "That is,** if** I feel anything at all."

Hakkai's gaze was piercing, as if searching for the answers in Sanzo's soul. If Sanzo had to be honest, he would say that of the three that accompanied him, he found Hakkai to be the most level-headed of the group. A man who hid his troubles away with a gentle smile, the tender exterior that captured Sha Gojyo's full attention, a motherly figure that did well in its job to balance the natures in the group that clashed like the skies and the earth. Just as complex, possibly even more than Sanzo himself, there was no telling what was running through the man's head at certain times like these.

Hakkai was staring contemplatively at Sanzo. "No, it's not that you couldn't give everything you have, in the name of love," he said slowly, as if a realization had just dawned on him. "It's just that you _can't, _isn't it? Am I right? Sanzo?"

_Of, all the..._

Sanzo slowly walked towards Hakkai, his face anything but amused. Placing a hand on the man's shoulders, he murmured lowly, "Digging yourself a deeper hole, Hakkai?" He finally relaxed, and shook his head. "Not _everything_ is what you think they seem to be." He let himself out the door, leaving Hakkai staring after him thoughtfully. Almost as if on cue, the drumming sounds of torrential rain began to rumble on the rooftops once more, its thunderous clatter of lightning and rain falling deaf on Hakkai's ears.

"How long does Goku have to suffer the full brunt of your consequences?" Hakkai murmured out loud in the empty space. "How long will we all be together, as a whole, again?

As soon as you take one step more, Sanzo. Just one more – tiny – step. But will_ you_ be able to accomplish something that simple? Especially when it'll take a turn of events like you've never imagined it to be?"

* * *

_ I waited alone, darkness gripping me like an iron fist. _

_ And then you came. _

_ And then you went. _

_ And left the cries of despair humming forever. ___


	6. Chapter Five Draft

**Disclaimer: **Gensomaden Saiyuki © Kazuya Minekura, TV Tokyo.

**Summary**: A story of consequences and decisions made in the name of love. (Yaoi)

**Spoilers**: Post-series. Maybe tiny spoilers, but none I could see that could traumatize you.

**Warning: **Yaoi. Don't like it, don't read it. Also my OTPs, so if you're looking for HakkaixHomura, GojyoxKougaiji, SanzoxThe Tree, you won't find it here.

**Rating: **PG-13, as always. R/NC-17s are somewhere. ;)

Notes: The fic is back. Yes, I know, 99% of the readers lost interest in it, and the 1% is because someone kept e-mailing me, and I know it's crazy to keep faith in this fic. Thankfully, this is the last chapter, I've made promises I soon found out I can't keep, and I'm making up for it all in this chapter. This is the second part of the chapter and I'll be posting the middle, and finally the end of this chapter as the weeks go by because it's hard to listen to my plot bunnies when I'm still on vacation. ;; I'm gonna have to find a place to put my fics in because they removed the symbols, damnit, THE SYMBOLS ARE IMPORTANT!

**Frivolous Lovers**

**Chapter Five (Draft)**

* * *

A foot stepped forward, then another, stepping on the wooden panels. A sharp lift of the revolver, positioned with dead accuracy at its aim, angled directly parallel to the floor. A click of the revolver, the ear-deafening sounds of gunshots bouncing off the walls, pulling on the trigger with unrelenting insistence, with inert stillness. Shifting his view at the other end of the room, he aimed for his target, a fluttering piece of wilted paper with the taunting depiction of dark red, and pulled the trigger, its bullet whizzing through cleanly, just as he had done repetitively throughout the entire evening. The paper, fastened by only a string that hung from the coarse ceilings, hovered down with the gentleness of a flower petal. He stood motionless for a moment, before placing the gun away. The moon's radiance stole into the windows, glimmering and dancing with the dark shadows of the room.

"You're finally done, Sanzo." He rearranged his rumpled robes for another minute, then shifted his eyes towards the door. Gojyo shut the door, leaning against it, yawning," Do you wanna go to sleep now? It's already mid-night. You're gonna get it from the innkeeper, anyway. Whoever told you to use the cellar for practice?"

Sanzo was silent, making his way to the window instead, where the Heaven and Earth Sutra was carelessly tossed and caught by the rusted tack on the windowsill, its windows creaking in and out. "Why waste a perfect opportunity to expand one's skills?" he said. "The room is completely bare." The feeling of adrenaline still flowed in his veins, as it occasionally did after a particularly satisfying session: the intensity of concentration swallowing on him, every inch of instinct locked onto twisted jeopardy. Disconcerted, he swung the scrolls over his shoulders, smothering out the wrinkles evenly.

"If you're not sleeping," Gojyo returned sleepily. "Then I'll just take a nap right here. Hakkai and Goku won't mind. They're snoring in their rooms right now. I think they like this inn. We've been staying here for over a week." Raising his eyebrows, Sanzo looked at the man trudging to him.

"I think it'll be interesting," Gojyo said. Sanzo reached and shut the windows. The room was dimmed in darkness once more. "Spending the night here in this empty room. Watching you swinging that gun of yours everywhere."

"Hardly pleasant, I assure you." He pointed his gun at Gojyo.

Gojyo chuckled, holding his hands up. "I'm joking. Wouldn't want to spend any more time with you than necessary, not with that mood of yours."

"But you do look wonderful, posing like that."

Sanzo looked at Gojyo out of the corner of his eyes. Gojyo didn't look up from the ground as he continued," Sure, you practiced many times, but this is the first time I've seen you do it up close. It's amazing what you can do with a gun." Frowning, Sanzo moved his shoulders against the wall uncomfortably. He massaged his shoulder. He'd been staring intently on the ground and its jagged edges without really seeing them, his mind wandering in and out of drowsy oblivion. Beside him, Gojyo seemed to be doing the same thing, only the hesitant scrawl of his fingers to the wooden floor betraying the calmness Gojyo projected.

Sanzo jerked his head away and stared up at the ceiling, where the ghosts of shadows seemed to move. Gojyo stared at his sneakers as he said," I want to see that again. Would you do it for me?" Scowling, Sanzo met Gojyo's eyes, gleaming unrepentantly.

"You didn't tremble. I don't think I can everdo that and not shoot myself in the process."

Sanzo waved dismissively and watch Gojyo fiddle with his sneakers' laces, the thin fibers entwining on Gojyo's slender hands. Those hands were stained - like Sanzo's. He already had the burden of filth before he entered his adolescent years, but he thought it was necessary, to clean away the dreamlike haziness born in every child's innocent mind. Blood should be blemished on the hands, the ultimate proof of invulnerability. He thought of his revolver, the simple angle between his aim and the quarry, the painstakingly crafted demeanors to master his prize – point, pull, shoot. Solid firearm, the lost limb of his own body, the deep correlation of their sins and their bloodshed.

Own, and not be owned.

"Who said we were ever alike? There're some things I can do that you can't do." Sanzo said. Outside, the branches of the cherry tree scraped against the windowpanes, the howls of the chilly wind swept through the hurricane of petals, adorning the cluttered lawn with pink. As Gojyo let the silence inaugurate, Sanzo clasped his fingers together and, shrugging off the last of his thoughts, he gently relaxed his muscles - and began to meditate. The gentle easing of the mind, washing away the troubles like an ocean wave, every inch of skin fixed in an insensate pattern, the very core of heart that tugged the mind, coveting unmitigated attentiveness.

"And there're also some things that _I_ can do what _you_ can't too."

_There was peace._

_There was mollification._

_There was the world._

_And then... there was the trouble._

"...may be more alike than you think." The words pierced right through the barriers of absorption with a stab, shattering the mirrors of the mind into a thousand pieces.

Sanzo's eyes flared open, and glanced at the man. Gojyo was still fiddling with his shoelaces, his face wearing the mask of downright sleepiness – yet, there was something... the telltale gleam in the red eyes, conveying a silent message, telling him something that had always been kept out of reach. It was a look that had been seen too many times, and he knew full well it had never been aimed at him before.

Derision.

"More alike than I think?" Sanzo echoed, looking nonplussed.

Gojyo nodded, stretching his arms. "Yeah. But that's where it all ends."

"We... alike? There** is** a line between reality and delusion." He leaned forward. As his face neared, Gojyo's smile faded as he looked at him, his fingers ceasing its movements with the tangled laces, his mask nearly faltering. Sanzo stopped just a breath away. From this angle, it was like he could see every emotion, the very essence of the soul – but the glimmer was still there... He studied the chiseled-like face that had so managed to hold onto his stare, for a long minute.

"What do we have in common?"

Gojyo looked at Sanzo out of the corner of his eye. "Do you really want to know?"

Sanzo paused, and then nodded. His eyes took on a look of challenge. "Go ahead." He didn't like being compared. He shouldn't have been compared to anyone; he didn't like people having things common with him. He wanted to be unique, one of a kind, different from everyone, because it was then, that he could fully acknowledge _himself. _What was he, if not unique?

"We suffered, really, for a long time," Gojyo mumbled, tracing a line on the floor with his finger. "Denied our feelings, denied what we're supposed to be doing, and denied everything that's true. Realized that when I screwed you the other night. Yeah, it was physical, so I've no problems bringing it up. It's not like you're a godsend, so..." Gojyo shrugged at Sanzo's raised eyebrow, and continued. "I _like_ Hakkai. Dreamt of screwing his brains out for heaven knows how long. The way he moves, the way he talks, I really should get commended, for not pouncing on him right there on the spot. Course, what held me back was what I had with him. You know, friendship. I want his pants down, yeah, but more than that, I want the friendship to last." Gojyo's eyes closed, unable to keep from smiling. "It's a special feeling. Didn't want to see something as special as that get ruined by a one-sided lay. No, I'll wait. For Hakkai. Hell, while I'm feeling sappy, I'll throw in _friendship_ to the bargain too."

"You _like_ Hakkai?" echoed Sanzo, closing his eyes to the darkness of the room.

"Well, yeah,_ like_. If I said _love_, you wouldn't take it seriously, would you?" Sanzo made a suspicious sound, but Gojyo chose not to comment on that. "And you're in the same position as me too." Sanzo's eyes sharply flew open at that. "That's all I have to say to that. I'll let you figure it out on your own, since it's something you _really_ should do yourself." Gojyo pushed himself to feet, welcoming the cracking sounds of the neck he made. "Gods, I sound so much like Hakkai it's frightening." He looked down at Sanzo. "Well, g'night, 'cause I'm retiring for the night and I think I said as much."

"...And the difference between us?" Sanzo's voice was soft, dangerous. He didn't look up.

Gojyo paused in the doorway. "Thought I mentioned it already."

"Well, you didn't."

Gojyo shook his head, looking bemused. "I said it three seconds ago. Didn't you notice?" He looked away. "The... _like_ I feel for the man. I can _acknowledge_ it." Gojyo looked behind his shoulder at Sanzo, perfectly and grandly silhouetted in the moon's glimmering light.

"That may be what set both of us apart."

* * *

Gojyo mellifluously shut the door behind him. 

"I hope it goes through him," Hakkai said, leaning against the walls and crossing his arms. He didn't look at Gojyo – or rather, tried not to look at Gojyo – but Gojyo knew. Hakkai had heard every word.

"I hope so too," Gojyo replied, fighting back a yawn. The hour was late, everyone in the inn was fast asleep, and he should probably get to bed too. He'd deal with everything in the morning.

"Sanzo does have the ability to affect everyone..."

Gojyo stifled a smile. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I wonder if we could finally move on tomorrow." Hakkai's tone was low.

"Most probably. Then again, this is Sanzo we're dealing with." Gojyo frowned. "Definitely not a person to be swayed by so few words, but then again, miracles _do_ happen... well, good night."

"Wait," Hakkai said, just as Gojyo began walking away. The man stopped, his smile fading, but he didn't turn around. Couldn't Hakkai just spare him the trouble and wait until they're in a more convenient area? Though, for Hakkai, Gojyo supposed this couldn't be more appropriate. "I know it's hardly the time, but... what is the real purpose in drawing me out here to listen?"

Gojyo sighed inwardly and rolled his eyes. In all his years in knowing the man, he could safely say Hakkai couldn't be that clueless. "I told you, Hakkai, I had some stuff to let out of my closet, to the both of you." Gojyo closed his eyes and yawned hugely. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to have my emotional breakdown in private."

"Emotional breakdown?"

"Why yes. I've admitted I like seeing you naked. I've even kiss-" Gojyo quickly recovered, face flaming. "I've admitted everything about me – hell, do _you_ want to know whether I sleep naked or not too? A man never reveals his dirty little secrets, and there I go, breaking every code there is. So yeah, if I'm lucky, it'll be over in a few minutes."

"You... don't need to have one," Hakkai's tone sounded force. Gojyo couldn't help but laugh; it was Hakkai the mother hen to the rescue all the way.

"Sorry, but it's inevitable. See, I really got to go, so I'll see you in the morning."

"I just don't understand it," Hakkai sounded amazed. "I really don't..."

At that, Gojyo quickly whirled around. Was Hakkai being opinionated about the whole thing? "Hey, if you have a problem with me-"

"It's a strange feeling," Hakkai murmured, not even looking at Gojyo. "I'd be lying if I said I'm not startled, but I'm not even sure how to respond. There're too many complications-"

"Then we'd work through it, won't we?" For the first time, Gojyo's voice took on an animated – hopeful - tone. "Whatever obstacles there are, we'd be sure to leap over it, won't we? Think of everything we'd managed to pass before. What makes this any different? It'll be just like exterminating the monsters out there-"

Hakkai's look was priceless. "You're comparing your _feelings_ to monsters?"

"No, no," Gojyo waved his hand impatiently. "I was making a point there." He saw the slightest hint of curve in Hakkai's lips. "Like I said, we'd work through it. Issues or not, we'd work out how to solve it. I'm not blind; I _know_ we _both_ have issues to deal with, but how I feel isn't like some piece of paper that could be easily thrown away, and damned if I would deny them."

"Very... interesting... metaphor," Hakkai didn't look at Gojyo. "You're very confident..."

Gojyo's smile was tantalizing. "Course. Since when am I _not_?" he drawled. "Hey, I'm willing to bet three mugs of beer that we'd be able to solve whatever problems there are. Loser does one hundred push-ups, take it or leave it."

Hakkai's smile was uncertain, but it was there. Gojyo thought it was astounding. "Perhaps we could," he agreed slowly. Then Hakkai smiled a full-fledged smile, a familiar smile that Gojyo had grown accustomed to a long time ago. Gojyo felt the urge to laugh; he hadn't quite felt this giddy in such a long time.

Granted, Hakkai didn't exactly respond... but neither did he reject either. Gojyo didn't want to push his friend – like he said, friendship will always take priority – but at least he did let his feelings be _known_. Rejected or not, it sure as hell beat coping with these feelings for so long... Hakkai could take as much time as he wanted, and Gojyo wouldn't mind. Whatever Hakkai felt was right.

But Gojyo's secret will always stay with him. Perhaps, in time, he could casually reveal to Hakkai what he did to him, and perhaps they would even laugh about it.

Him...

...and Goku.

Gojyo's eyes rounded, the memory of Goku's stunned face hitting him like a slap in the face.

_Oh... shit._

* * *

He left as soon as morning came. In the restaurant at the core of the town, rain poured down and the twigs of the trees scraped against the windows, the winds howling deep into the earth. In the back of the room where louder chatters and conversations carried on as usual, a great number of exotic dishes filled the small table at the right corner of the room, from one end to the other. Different varieties, locals and imported, every portion of the menu was spreaded out. It drew curious glances, but not so much as to warrant a great interest. He was loaded, they had decided, and how right they were, as a gleaming gold card laid tauntingly at the side of the table.

Goku held the plate of food in front of him and gobbled down the contents in one gulp. Closing his eyes, he savored the moment as the sweet taste of dumplings began to spread in his mouth, making his head slightly giddy. Swallowing them, he opened his eyes once more and lifted another plate. This time, he quickly reached for his drink and gulped it down, the dumplings and the spicy hot curry leaving a rather sour taste in his mouth. He stared at the great quantity of remaining food with an unreadable look, his stomach rumbling once more despite wiping out half the menu in an amazing record. Disturbing thoughts started to creep into his mind, slowly, and he pushed it away with great ease, imagining a great soft blanket of white and grey with the ease of an expertise. He was searching for that moment, the peace closing his eyes and his heart like a fist...

... for the ache to wash away as the sea would to the grains of sand.

Outside, people were frantically rushing for shelter, some hopping on the paveway and showering under the raindrops. Newspapers from nearby trash bins were dug out and used for cover. Some pushed others away as they ran to nearby buildings for shelter. One woman pushed a little boy away in hopes to purchase the last remaining umbrella. Thunder struck in the skies, and the rain poured on town heavier.

Goku downed his last glass of water, the cool liquid soothing the burns of his throat. The empty plates piled on one another in neat stacks, and there were several of them in rows. And then, he just sat there, studying others with the quizical and innocent look of a child. Radiance, ease, gaiety, everything that he had taken for granted was now so alien to him, and he knew he longed to be engulfed in those warmth of emotions once more. They were what made him, and he was nothing without them. With the darkness that he knew crept into his heart and latched onto it like a leech to the sweet taste of blood, he would have to search for that light. He just didn't know if he was ready yet.

Unconsciously, he signaled for the waitress.

Sanzo's gold card gleamed under the light.

* * *

_I could see you... here... now _

_You're right in front of me... _

_But why can't I touch you? _

_Why won't you let yourself be touched? _

* * *

Goku's shoulders shook, startled and glanced down at his hands. He was clasping his hands so tightly that his knuckles turned white. An untouched box of candy rested on the table. He could see himself in the mirror just on the other side of the room, and the almost pathetic slump of his frame momentarily filled his face with color. He started to reach for the box that he had bought this morning before, then decided against it, his stomach protesting in pain. Instead, he let his head slump against the table, wanting to calm the raging force of his headache.

Why couldn't his brain listen to his heart?

His anxiety caused him to push his chair back with a loud screech. There, he began to walk around, glancing up at ceilings and looking out the window of his hotel room. No, calm down, his heart begged. Sanzo wasn't here yet. He was more than a little shocked to find that his room was empty when he returned from the trip to town, and his resolve nearly faltered again. It had taken him a long time to get himself together - barely - and he figured the length of time they were to be together would be enough before he cracked as easily as a candy bar. Sanzo was late - very late. Inhaling deeply, he peered out the window for the umpteenth time, his cold breath misting the window. He watched the rain fall, the view unexpectly bringing a little harmony to his soul and he even let a little smile grace his face. To think Sanzo would hate something as soothing as this - the man was a walking mystery on his own. Goku walked away from the window and sat cross-legged on the floor, not really knowing what to think. He had cornered Goku yesterday, demanding him to meet here in a certain time, causing him to pour all his emotions out in food, ran back here with more fire than he would've thought imaginable in this situation...

...and the man was nowhere to be found.

The shadows danced in his room, everywhere. He didn't dare to step out of his room - as though he was like the maiden that was kept in the highest tower, like the story he had heard about. The door was there, but to him, he felt that he would be crossing forbidden territory. The room was filled with ghosts, taunting him for his simple mind, laughing at him for his foolishness and his terrible, terrible mark: his innocence. He tried to black out the scene, but then, they intruded his mind, coaxing him like a mother with her baby, then admonishing him for the shameful naivety that drove everyone away from him. Holding back the frustration, he now wished Sanzo would keep his word and come - anything to sooth the growing anxiety and banish the demons in his heart. The images taunt him with Sanzo and his cruel eyes, the unsmiling mouth that he had kissed many times, so forcefully that he was rendered uncertain of the difference between the images his mind mocked him with, and the cold reality of the man himself. Holding a hand to his forehead, he walked back to the window once more, this time, staring hard at the glass with large, dazed eyes, wondering if he should blame his lack of knowledge of the real world for the situation that tangled everyone in a web. Against his will, slowly like a sly spider to its prey, his memory fleeted to that terrible night: the cold hard feel of the doorknob as he placed his fingers around them, slowly opening it and never imagining that his greatest nightmare had become reality, and something had died in him, a light that he had taken for granted flickered out like a flame, the raw anguish he had never experienced before. When he finally realized what he was doing, he reached up and touched his face that had suddenly become hot. His fingertips felt wetness, but he had found it unnervingly easy to turn the waterworks off.

But it was too late, the sudden rush of unwanted memories hit him like a ton of bricks, from the days of surpressing that night for that raw wound to heal. He knew it could never be healed, for Sanzo was the glimmering light to his darkness, but to foolishly think that he could always have that light was a slap in the face. He didn't know it was a.. a casual 'thing', which partially caused the pain. What he and Sanzo shared, he thought it was special, and he wouldn't have allowed himself to fall so deeply if he had known that 'bond' he thought he had with Sanzo could be formed with any other person. It was stupidity at its peak, and Goku was not spared that reason. Gojyo, of all people, intensified that pain more than he thought possible. Letting himself be vulnerable so openly was what hurt the most. It made him weak. He was anything but weak. At least, that was what he believed.

The door creaked, and Goku turned away from the window, obviously and visibly startled, his sleeve slightly damp from rubbing his eyes. The door fully opened, and Sanzo was standing at the doorway, his hair and clothes soaked, his eyes resting on Goku. In his hand, held a full packet of cigarettes - he must've taken a stroll in town. Sanzo's eyes gleamed a sharpness unlike scavenger's eyes. Then the man walked in, shut the door behind him as he tossed the packet onto the table, and Sanzo was already walking towards Goku, who unconsciously took several steps back in alarm. He stopped three feet away, his stare intense and sharp as an arrow. Goku's mind was a whirlwind, and he desperately attempted to sort out the mess. He thanked the heavens that his face didn't reveal much of his emotions: but this was Sanzo, the man who was able to peer into his soul no matter how much resistance he put up.

_Sanzo._


End file.
